Here's What Happened

This is the continued post of What happened to me? If you haven’t check it out.

I guess it all started in high school. There was this guy named Matt. I can still see his face in my mind. Looking back it was like seriously, what was I thinking. Let me tell you about Matt. He was 18 and a bad boy. Of course he was attractive but he was bad guy like he had gotten kicked out of his parents house and was a nomad, his residence was under a bridge. I am not making that up. He was what you would call a hippi. I thought it was cool, but I was only 17 and very naïve and gutsy.

Well we started dated and I found out he was cheating on me. The nerve, the sadness. I was heartbroken. Now I am sure you are thinking that I wouldn’t possibly be broken over a guy from 12 years ago. That is where it all started. I mean I had my share of problems growing up of course, I just think this is where it all went downhill. I was still outgoing and gutsy. Maybe a little too gutsy if you ask me. Then you have my ex-husband which was just a real “gem”. I guess guys are part of my problems with really good reason. If you are told something over and over again you will start to believe it sooner or later. I was verbally and emotionally abused daily by my ex. My miscarriage left me dead inside. Then finding out my ex prayed for it killed me even more.

I have this complex that I call the “jerk” complex, it really doesn’t make real sense but it does to me. It is I guess a safety net. I am really trying to cut the strings of that net. It is silly. If I keep pushing people away of course they are gonna run for the hills. No one wants to be where they are unwanted. I know that all too well. I am getting better, I think. I mean I think I am. I am trying really hard not to push him away. It is weird. Maybe that I has something to do with the “choice” of men I have been attracted to. I find myself being attracted to jerks because they are jerks and if it is a guy who is not a jerk I have to be a jerk to make them a jerk. Yes you read that right. Clear as mud? I know it doesn’t make any sense. I guess it is a way to justify it if a relationship fails. The bottom line is I push people away. I know why I do it but it is personal way too much for my blog. Only a few people know why.

Another thing that broke me was when my grandma had Alzheimer’s Disease. I couldn’t deal with it. My grandma and I were so close and I didn’t really have any experience with it except when they would talk about it on a TV show. I tried to understand and I never really did. I missed my grandma when she was still alive. It was like her soul had gone up to heaven and her shell was still there. It was really hard. She remembered me most of the time but other times she was not my grandma. She was not her lovable self like a complete stranger. I don’t blame her because she had no control over it. It is definitely something that is hard for everyone involved. I never changed how I feel about her and love her with all my heart.

I had many toxic friends as well. I have removed all of them from my life. It is hard to remove toxic things from your life. I don’t know why all the toxic people were drawn to me. I am not toxic and I guess it is because my heart is really big and I forgive easily and love unconditionally. I had friends that would say really mean things to me and talk about me behind my back. One who even wrote a hateful letter to me and had a bunch of other people write mean things about me. What did I do? I forgave her. Even now I wish I wouldn’t of because that caused many more years of hurt and pain to me. She is gone now, which is a great thing.

Toxicity breeds Toxicity and it feeds off of you until you have nothing left, many toxic experiences and friends have broken me. Just like anything that is broken it can be fixed. I want to fix it. I am sick of feeling like this. It really sucks. You would think that all of these things would make me quit feeling, quit being so loving and sweet but they don't. My heart is too big and I just can't quit caring and turn totally bitter. It would be too much for me. I always say I am too sweet for my own good. My big heart is a blessing and a curse.

Stay tuned for part 3.

MyScentEssence Review and Giveaway

I absolutely love things that smell good. I have an extensive candle collection, there is just something about a great smelling home that gives off a positive feeling to me. Since I have become a mom, I am very careful about having an open flame around Noah. He thinks that all candles are birthday candles and tries to blow them out. I have them up high enough where he can’t reach them but it still makes me nervous. So, when I had the opportunity to review a product from MyScentEssence I was really excited for a few reasons. The first reason it is a smell good product. The second reason is there is no flame. The third reason is it is electric. I was thinking back to when I would go visit my grandma in her assisted living community. I would always see those signs where it would say no smoking or open flame, Oxygen in use. I remember thinking that stinks because they can’t have candles or anything to make their rooms smell nice or the atmosphere that a nice thing like a candle would give off. I am not sure why that thought popped in my head at the time that I first heard about MyScentEssence but it did. This would be a great product for anyone even older people.

This product breathes a sigh of relief when you can just turn it on and let it go and not have to worry about it. It has many different types of scents and warmers. I just put in 12 of the little scent shakes and that lasts for 24 hours. I am sure most of you that have been reading for a long time know about how much I love tarts. Well, the worst thing about a tart was getting it out of the warmer. I actually broke one of my tart warmers by putting it in the freezer and it falling out. With the MyScentEssence warmers all you do it turn it off, let it harden and take your nail and make a little scratch on the side and it pops out. You could save the little “discs” and put them in a drawer for a nice subtle refresher kind of like a sachet. That is a great way to repurpose them.

I love the MyScentEssence warmer I own. I use it all the time. I have quite a few different scent shakes. They are always having sales so I picked some up for cheap! My two favorite scents are Very Vanilla which just smells so good and clean to me and Country Apple. I love the scent of apples. Country Apple smells just like one of my favorite bath and body scents. You can get a 2 ounce package of Scent Shakes for $4.50 which burns for many many hours because you only use 12. If you think about it, 1 little piece lasts for 2 hours which makes it extremely affordable.
I really like MyScentEssence so much that I decided I would start selling it. I haven’t really sold anything like this before but it is an exciting adventure to embark on.

Thank you to MyScentEssence and MommyPR for this wonderful opportunity and providing me with a complimentary electric warmer and 2 Scent Shakes to try out for my review.

I have a giveaway for you!

One lucky winner will win a Onyx Fan Electric warmer and two packages of scent shakes in the scents of their choice.

Mandatory Entry: Visit the MyScentEssence website and take a look around and tell me what 2 scent shakes you would love to try out.

Extra Entries:

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Follow @Sheilacakes7 AND @Scentessence on Twitter and Tweet about this giveaway including a link to this post. This can be done once a day.

This giveaway will end on September 2, 2010 at 11:59 pm EST.

What Happened to Me?

So, I have been thinking a lot lately about myself now vs. who I was when I was say a teenager. Man I have changed a lot. I mean I am still that really sweet person I have always been with a huge heart but I am in fact different. I am not convinced it really is for the better either. I mean of course I am older and wiser but I have been through a lot of stuff that has in fact changed me. I know that life is constantly changing but seriously I miss the person I used to be. I used to be extremely outgoing. I was gutsy, not sure that is something I would do now, as I am a mom. So there goes my dream of being a hobo. Yes I really wanted to be a hobo when I was young. Hey, they had an awesome life traveling the rails singing songs around a campfire. I would talk to everyone and I wouldn’t care who it was or what they thought. I am in fact the same person that would act like a complete random dork in public. I have this memory of being in Jr high and at the pool with my old childhood best friend talking about our pancreases and telling people they needed to go to charter. Don’t ask long story not even I think I can remember it all.

I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I mean I guess I did maybe a little but not enough to stop me from having the time of my life. I laughed until I cried and cried till I laughed. I remember there would be times that I was really upset and then someone said something and I would start laughing really hard. I was always smiling to the point where I thought my face was going to freeze like that like after Botox. I have and had a huge heart, I must of inherited that from my Grandma Rose, never seen a big heart than hers.

I was carefree and young. I have really changed if you are going to change, I believe in changing for the better or the greater good. I changed for the worst. I was talking to my friend Brandy and I realized one night that I am broken. I realized that from reading a journal I had where people wrote nice things about you and your strengths. I still have it and I was reading all the letter people wrote and I was like woah. I remember being like that. Then I started thinking what happened? Where did I go? They wrote things like you are always smiling and so outgoing and you have such a flair for drama. Oh yes I loved to act. I was never good at it though. I had bad stage fright but I loved to pretend. You will never see my name up there in lights.

Then, something happened. Lots of something I suppose. I broke. There are many reasons why I broke. When did I care if someone liked me? When did I start caring what people think? When did it matter to me? When did I stop smiling all the time? I mean yes I still smile. My son is the best reason to smile but I am not super smile woman anymore. I miss that.

To read more of this post there will be a part 2 posted soon.