Choose Your Friends Wisely

I mentioned in my peer pressure post, I would talk about a girl I once knew.  I met this girl when we were in sixth grade and became friends; she was really shy but seemed really nice. Somewhere in seventh grade we weren’t friends anymore.  We both went through school without any interaction, we went to a huge school so it was possible and we didn’t have any classes together. We were never enemies, or got in verbal confrontations, she became a girl I would occasionally hear her name and maybe possibly see her in the hall. We both moved on with our lives and then in 2007 we became reacquainted. At first it was weird, because she didn’t really care for me much, but holding on to something that happened in the sixth grade is just silly. We became friends again; I wouldn’t consider that we were really close. She spent a lot of time with some of my other friends so we hung out. She and I hung out just us maybe three times to this day.  Shortly after this happened we moved to Florida, we still stayed in touch, because I hadn’t seen the big fireworks going off warning me to run for the hills.

I knew she had some issues with her ex, and stuff like that, I could relate to her in that respect. I knew that she was hurting and I wanted to reach out and be her friend. I remember a specific time that she threatened to call the cops on me, because I didn’t agree with the legal advice some lady was giving her. She wasn’t a lawyer, she actually didn’t know what she was talking about at all. So, this girl and I stopped talking, I can’t be mixed up in that. I am a mom and I don’t have time to really deal with this kind of behavior and then she called me. She used her “wounded animal” voice and I stupidly started talking to her again. This time she thought she was pregnant; well she always thought she was pregnant.

I felt sorry for her, she completely down spiraled from there.  She would meet these guys that were no good, she even went as far as trying to change her ultrasound from the child she miscarried to fake a pregnancy, which she later said it was a miscarriage. I have had a miscarriage and that really upset me and made me very angry. I started ignoring her calls, texts, ims you name it, I ignored it. That was not ok. I found out through mutual friends that she had been engaging in criminal activities. She would call the police at a drop of a hat, and it even got to the point where she cried wolf so many times, the police didn’t believe her anymore.  I was suckered in to talking to her a few more times, I felt bad, I wanted to help. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. I honestly still feel bad for her, but my family comes first. I can’t have someone who is engaging in behaviors where I could get in trouble and go to jail or worse around me or my family. I don’t want to be innocently going to the mall or out to eat with her and land in jail for her actions. That is not someone I want to be a role model. I know that it’s her life and her choices but personally, I can’t have that around me.

As I said before, I believe that you have the right to pick your own friends, but be careful and watch out for the warning signs that something might not be right. I would hate for any of you to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and regret it.

Sometimes You Just Have to Let Them Go.....

One of the hardest things is letting go. It is important to let go those that have hurt us repeatedly. Those people who do not have your best interest at heart, those that think of only themselves.  Unfortunately, I have a big heart. I say unfortunately because as I am aware it is a great thing, it is also a curse at the same time.  I look for the good in people as I have mentioned before, but sometimes you can’t find good in everyone. There are bad people in this world that want to hurt you, that don’t really care about you and it sucks.  Sometimes you just hit your complete breaking point and you have to just cut your losses, cut ties and hopefully learn something in the process.  Losing someone is never easy; you end up mourning the loss of a friendship or a loss of a relationship with a family member.  You go through a grieving period and it hurts. I will always care about those people, but my heart can’t take the pain that they caused. It is really hard for me to stop caring about someone.

 Sometimes I wonder if I gave too many chances, maybe I would see a difference, maybe they would change. The truth is you have to accept someone for who they are, not for what you see them to be. I really need to stop looking at a person’s potential and see them for what they really are. I guess I expect more in people, and when I find out I was wrong, I become disappointed in them.  I don’t expect much, I expect someone to be caring, compassionate, loving, and kind. It is so hard to know what kind of person someone is. You don’t want to push everyone away because people have hurt you in the past, but there is no way of really knowing.  It would be a lot easier if I had an eggdacator like in Willy Wonka, that would tell me if they were a bad egg or not.  If only I could line everyone up and have them step on the machine and see what happens.  If they were a bad egg, like Veruca Salt, down the garbage chute they would go.  I have learned there is not good in everyone. Something must have happened to make them this way.  Some people are just bitter jerks.  It has taken me a long time to learn this.

The worst feeling in the world is when you find out a family member is this way.  Especially when you have given your all to make things work, devoted so much time and energy to be there and when you find out who they really are, it is just like a slap in the face. Maybe I had hoped you changed, and it didn’t happen. There is just so much pain you can take before it eats you alive and you just can’t allow that person to hurt you anymore.  I guess you get to a point where the emotional pain is normal; it really messes with your other relationships and human dynamics.  Hope is a funny thing, it is good to have hope, but sometimes too much hope can distort your reality and make you hurt in the long run.  Some say you are in control of how you feel, and that you only allow someone make you feel a certain way, that is true, but there are a couple exceptions to the rules, one being when it comes to family. You spend your whole life looking up to someone, loving them, trying as hard as you can to have that relationship and bond with them and then one day you come to find out that they never cared and it was all a sham.  One of the quotes from Fools Rush In that I think about is “Love is a gift, not an obligation.” That basically means if it is a gift to love someone and be loved, not something you do because you have to.  I just feel like they were obligated and all those words and memories were a lie, because actions speak louder than words.

 I am not sure I can remember a time where I thought wow, he really loves me, I am sure there was one but it is just weird I can’t remember it.  I think that is the hardest truth to understand.  Now, it is time to let go of all of the pain and the hurt and the sorrow.  It’s time to live a happy life full of laughter and love, and put all that suffering behind me and leave those who have hurt me behind, no matter how hard that might be.  I am at peace with my decision, it probably is something I should have done a long time ago, but that little imp called Hope was playing a trick on me again. It’s good to hope, just don’t hope yourself in to a bad situation, see people for who they are, not what you potentially see in them, use caution and set a limit and once the limit exists be brave enough to just let them go.

I will instead of becoming a bitter person, and giving up hope on humanity, and losing my faith in those kind people, I will still take those chances and open my heart up; I will be a little more guarded about who I associate with.  

The Long Term Effects of Bullying

When you are bullied as a child, it causes long term effects. Those names people call you, they cause long term effects.  You could carry it with you for a long time. It can play a huge part in decisions you make in your life.  It is something that could ruin your life when you are a child or even as an adult. When I was younger in elementary school, I was bullied; I was constantly called names, called weird, called crazy. I wasn’t crazy or weird. I was bullied by classmates and even by a couple family members. My own family members would call me crazy.  My dad’s mom and my aunt would tell my cousin I was crazy.  They would say oh you are in one of your moods.  It really hurt me and it still makes me want to cry to this day. I was just a kid going through a lot. My parents were divorcing and I was just trying to find my place.  I was treated like crap for no reason. I wasn’t a mean child, I was in fact the complete opposite, I was a sweet and loving little girl. 

When I was in jr. high I was made fun of. Everyone knew my name, not because I was popular, because it was some big joke. I am not sure what I did, or said to make everyone taunt me or whatever. I never knew. I was a sweet and loving girl. I had some friends who were nice to me when I was in elementary school and in jr. high, I just don’t know why I was the butt of some joke. I wasn’t doing anything crazy. It makes no sense. I wasn’t the most glamorous girl but I didn’t think I was too bad. I was average in my opinion. I think that bullying affected my life.  I made choices that weren’t smart. I chose toxic friends over and over again.  I just was so used to being made fun of and people being mean to me, that it was normal. I guess I allowed friends to be mean to me and hurt me over and over, because when you have nothing, anything seems better than that and you can take what you can get.

In high school, things got better. I had more friends, granted most of them were not the best choices. Especially my old best friend, she was so mean to me. I took it anyways. I wanted to have friends, so I looked the other way. Even when she and a bunch of people wrote a hateful note to me and it really hurt my feelings. There are many other times this girl has severely hurt my feelings, thankfully she is not in my life anymore. I have learned that there are good friends out there. 

I also think that the fact that I was bullied and called names had something to do with my relationship choices especially my ex-husband, who was abusive.  I am not saying it was my fault because no one deserves to be abused, physically, emotionally, mentally or verbally.  I just think it goes back to one of those things where when you are used to nothing you take what you can get.  I have completely changed my mind set when it comes to friends. I am no longer friends with anyone I deem toxic.  I am so blessed now to have so many great friends, who would never hurt me in the ways I have been hurt before. They love me for me, and I love them for them. We look past each other’s flaws and totally accept one another.

Those names you call others, those mean hurtful words, they do cause damage.  They are more than just words, there is a real human behind hearing them and you are crushing their spirit, self esteem and self worth. If you think that someone will forget about those mean things you said, chances are they still remember, and they probably are still hurt deep inside. They probably still think about you and how much you hurt them. I am sure you are thinking oh they need to get over it, or we were just kids, but really those are excuses. The words will linger for a long time.  You can steal their childhood, or part of their life, because of the turmoil and pain you caused.  You never know what someone is really going through, have some compassion. Teach your children compassion and empathy.  Teach your children to think before you speak or type you don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s pain or worse.

What a Friend is to Me

What is a friend?  This is a question parents are asked by their children at some point. I want to share with you what I think a friend is.  If you would have asked me this before I would have said someone you care about that you hang out with and do things with. In theory that is somewhat true but there is so much more to it. A friend is someone you care about who cares about you back just as much.  A friend is someone you share a bond with. A friend is someone who lifts you up when you are down. A friend is someone who even though they might not completely understand what you are going through or why you feel a certain way about something or someone but they try and understand.  They are the ones that you can run to be it in person, on the phone or even through text and they always know what to say or do to try and make you smile.  Sometimes it just goofy pictures of them sticking out their tongue or a funny joke only you two understand, but it helps.   A friend is someone who does not tear you down.  A friend is someone who you can get in to an argument with and know at the end of the day, you will still be friends.  A friend, a true one, is a lifetime commitment.  People mess up, I do it all the time, but I know that my friends will love me for me and understand that I mess up. Just as I understand that they mess up.

I have shared with you guys before that I have had some toxic friends. These people were not good friends. I thought that they were. I always look for the good in people. That is how I was raised. I can’t stop doing it, but I need to be cautious. I am so lucky to have such wonderful true friends now. It really makes me look back and think wow, those so called friends were not friends at all. Thank you to all my true friends. Without you, I am not sure where I would be. I would name you all but, I would probably forget someone so you know who you are.

There's Room for Everyone in this World if Everyone Makes Some Room

As a blogger, a mother and a person in general I have some issues with some things. I am really sick of the negativity and complaining that I have seen a lot of lately. I don’t have the best life; I have my share of problems, hardships and things where I am just like at the point where I am three minutes from the nut house some days. I know my life could be a lot worse. I have things that others could only dream of.   I think that is part of being a human, and living your life. It just gets on my nerves to see how negative people are in general.  It really gets me down to see it.  I have a friend who complains about everything, from work to his love life to what color trash bags he has in his kitchen. I am not the best at what I do but most of the time I try my best and that is all that matters. I understand that everyone is having hard times and it really sucks, well in this I start overanalyzing my life. If you know me personally I will dissect everything, every word, every syllable, and I am sure it drives people crazy.  Actually, I know it does.   I try not to compare myself and my life to other people, but at the same time it is like human nature.  We all want to belong, we all want to fit in and ultimately be loved.

I have noticed that I am not sure I have ever really belonged. In school I was friends with whoever and I didn’t have a set group that I belonged to. I guess that is a good thing because I can’t stand being in a clique.  I was in a “group” a couple years ago and I was kicked out of it.  I will give you the short version because it’s not really worth an entire blog post, because I had to be the martyr in the situation. Maybe not martyr maybe more like the sacrifice, and just between us, it still kind of hurts a little.  I reconnected with a guy I knew from school he was in like a bunch of my classes. We weren’t friends in school per say more like just talked before class and at lunch.  I remember he asked me out when we were sophomores and I was in to my bad boy phase and ”madly in love” with this junior who was also in our biology class.

Well I found him on Myspace and sent him a message, we started talking and we hung out one night, this also led to being reacquainted with this other guy who I knew from school who I thought was the sweetest, shyest dork ever.  I was ecstatic when I knew they were still friends. Well, we all became really good friends and hung out a lot and had a lot of fun. We definitely had some random issues, but nothing friends couldn’t get through or so I thought.  Well, in the process of the friendship two brothers started hanging out with us and then like a whirlwind I was kicked out of the group. I am not sure if it was because I was female, I was always really nice and polite, it really hurt though because I was like best friends with one of the guys. We hung out almost every day I did things like go to a stupid car auction because his dad was in Amish Country and he didn’t want to go alone. Of course, I had no interest what so ever in going it was hot and a waste of time to just look at cars. I went with a smile. I did find a really cool toy truck like my grandpa had worked on and had the same toy truck, so I guess that was worth almost getting heat stroke over. I went to flea markets with him, did so many things where I would have rather been doing anything than that. 

After months and months of hanging out daily and all the things we did together, you know what happened. He had one of the brothers send me a nasty message on Myspace, saying I don’t want you in the group anymore. He still to this day has given me no explanation, not even a peep from him. I think I would at least deserve to know what I did wrong, why our friendship was thrown away over something that I have no clue. I am still dumfounded about this.  I still remember the last time I saw him, it was the day after Christmas, he was bringing me home, we said our normal text you tomorrow have a good night thing we did a million times before and then nothing.  Nothing ever again, he didn’t even have the nerve to tell me himself.  I try not to be bitter so when some things happened to him I truly and seriously felt horrible for him. I am one of those that once I care, I care always, no matter what happens between me and someone.  

On a good note, now I have a group of the most amazing friends. I am not sure why I settled for what I did in the past. I love you guys. You mean so much to me, thanks for your unconditional friendship.