Learning from the Past

I believe that every relationship and friendship is a learning experience.  No matter if you were friends when you were young or if it only lasted a brief time.  Single serving friends can also be a learning experience.  You not only learn about someone else but you also learn about yourself.  I don’t believe in chance meetings, I believe that you are meant to meet the people you do.  I have had a few experiences where there were times I was in the same place many times with a person and hadn’t met them until it was the right time.  I thought about how many times our paths crossed in life and it was only by weird circumstances we actually met and became friends.

I want to share with you guys some things I have learned recently.  I was in a relationship with this guy; his name is changed for privacy reasons, in case he reads this. I will call him Rupert, because I always make Fight Club references in my posts and I already made one in the first paragraph.  Rupert is a nice guy. We had an odd but interesting relationship. He made me laugh so hard, I probably was snorting most of the time. We sang together. I could be a total dork and be myself with him. I was a total airhead sometimes. I would send him chip pictures that looked like animals. I was completely comfortable with him.  I just felt like he was so amazing and I did my normal thing by pushing him away. I did the whole jealous thing once.  I told him about my issues but at the same time, I failed at stopping doing it.  I finally realized that my problem was that I love whole heartedly but at the same time I didn’t know how to be loved.  I didn’t know how to relinquish control and just let myself be loved. I guess my heart had been guarded for so long that I wasn’t able to let go enough. That moment was a total epiphany.  I learned how to let a guy love me. I know that sounds completely ridiculous but at the same time, it made sense.  I feel like guys have loved me before, but not completely.  From that moment I stopped pushing him away.  I just was drunk in his love and it was amazing.

I also learned from Rupert was that it is ok to be a total complete dork and that they will love you anyways. I am prone to airhead moments. I wish I could remember what they were because they were so funny.  From the beginning I wasn’t afraid to be total self. Everyone in the beginning of a relationship wears a mask or hides something it seems like. I threw all my cards on the table. I had never done that before. I just felt a connection to him.  He was a dork like me and it worked. I could talk to him about the silliest things for hours and never have one of those moments of I want to stop talking and do something else.  It was weird but amazing. I couldn’t wait to talk to him every day.  Just felt so good and so right.

I learned that it was ok to trust someone and that not everyone is out there to hurt someone.  I learned that nice guys exist and not just in my family.  They are out there but they are rare.  I felt like a queen with him. I remember we were going to dinner and he remembered that my favorite food is Japanese. So, he looked in his GPS for a Japanese restaurant. We got lost and ended up at a Chinese place and I suggested we go to Panera since it was right there, he wouldn’t have it.  So, we kept driving to a Japanese restaurant.  I also learned I was a bad fibber. He always knew what was wrong even when I said nothing.  I know that I can’t lie if my life depended on it, but he could read me like a book. We finished each other’s sentences.   We definitely had a great time together. He was so kind and caring.  I had a really nasty cold and he is an RT and so he offered to listen to my breathing and see if I needed a breathing treatment.  Either he wanted to make sure I was ok or wanted to torture me by jamming a breathing tube down my 

throat, kidding of course.

We had our share of arguments too though. I think they came from misunderstandings and issues we both had. We were always able to forgive each other. It wasn’t serious stuff. Most of them were ridiculous things.  Both of us being divorced and heartbroken before caused extra things that were not really worth an argument for, usually my insecurities were the blame.  I learned to be more secure in who I am and that it is perfectly fine to be a dork.  I am not saying I am totally comfortable in my skin but I am a lot more comfortable than I was 6 or 7 months ago.  Life is always a work in progress. I am continuing to work on breaking out of my shell and not worrying so much. I am a worrier by nature, I always have been. I have spent a lot of time worrying about ridiculous things.  You can spend all day thinking about what if’s and miss out on moments in life.

I also learned that I am not a morning person. I already knew that though.  I am one of those people when I wake up I will probably wave at you instead of saying good morning until I am able to wake up some. I don’t like to be teased in the morning, and I was rude and I felt so bad about it and it was not ok. I am working on becoming a morning person.  I will never be perky in the morning but I am working on my decorum and learning to accept light morning teasing and my morning sarcasm.

I am listening to music and I will Remember You by Sarah McLaughlin came on, I love this song. It was my sister’s graduation song so I have been listening to this song for a long time.  One of the lyrics is, “So afraid to love you more afraid to lose clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose. Once there was darkness deep in this night you gave me everything you had oh you gave me light”.  I feel like this song explains it.  I feel like the things I have learned from Rupert, totally changed my life and how I think and feel.  I thank him for these important lessons I have learned.  Even though we are no longer together, I am very grateful that we were at some point and I was able to learn some of the most important life lessons from him.

Twitter Convo about God

I was having a conversation with a friend on Twitter about God.  We were talking about churches and God and religion.  She and I have both had bad church experiences.  I went to a Wesleyan church when I was 17 and it was a total nightmare.  I felt so alone, the people were really mean, and it just wasn’t what I thought that church was.  It was not a good environment. It was like if you didn’t fit their exact image and thought the exact same way you were a leper.  I was always taught that you are supposed to love someone as Christ loves us.  I am not going to say I was perfect, because that would be a lie, no one is.  I am still not perfect because I am human, but I was lost.  I was a 17 year old girl lost, trying to seek out God.  I have always believed in God but I wasn’t sure of the answers I was seeking.  I was raised Catholic.  I went to a church looking for guidance and I was totally metaphorically stoned.  I know that I messed up some, but I owned up to it. 

What really bothered me was this youth group I joined would judge me for things and turn around and do the same things.  It was a very upsetting thing to go through.  I wasn’t acting like a maniac or anything; I was just different, trying to find where I belonged.  I had serious issues with the youth pastor sharing my confidential information like it was the weather.   I would go to church and the youth group meetings and I was invisible.  I could have been on fire and no one would have cared.  It was just a horrible thing.  I am so glad that I didn’t decide to base my opinions of God and Christians from this group of people.  If I had, I would be so lost and so wrong.  I have a really strong faith.  I guess I could kind of credit it to what I once referred to as a cult, to my relationship with God. It definitely made me realize that there are bad people in every religion and also good.

After that experience, I taught Sunday school at a Methodist Church.  It was a lot of fun.  I decided somewhere between after those experiences that I should be non-denominational Christian.  I think that there should only be God’s laws and not man’s. I loved the church I went to when I was married because it was totally God driven.  The Lord was totally in charge of the sermons and the things we took part in. It was an awesome thing.  I miss it so much still to this day.

My friend and I were talking about how sometimes churches are similar to MLM or Multi-Level Marketing. I totally agree because when I was at the church I went to when I was married and actually married in was totally not about donations. It was about God, and helping the community.  The church was really small as I know I have said before.  Money didn’t matter at all at this church was awesome.  It was just that we all knew God would provide.  The burden was placed in God’s hands and he provided what the church needed every time.  You have to surrender things and let God handle it.  It is hard to do  I know. I struggle with it daily. 

Something my friend and I talked about is people being preachy. There is a fine line between being excited and cramming it down someone’s throat.  I don’t usually bring up God to my friends. I am not ashamed of God or anything I just don’t want them to feel forced in to believing the same thing as me.  I am firm believer in the fact that it is a choice only you can make. I don’t think that God loves someone any less if they decide it is not right for them.  If my friends bring it up. I love talking about it.  I have never read the whole Bible so I can’t quote scripture but  I am pretty good at saying the right thing so my friends say.

I came up with an awesome analogy on Twitter the night we were talking about this.

I believe in planting seeds, watering them, waiting for them to grow, vs throwing a plant in a pot and having them not flourish.

That basically means you need to take the time to answer questions, pray for and really spend time talking about God with someone who is interested in learning more.

You have to give some TLC as you would to a newly planted seed.  Noah and I planted some zinnias last year from seeds, and they grew to be taller than he was.  Sure it took longer but they were flourishing like crazy. 

If you take a plant and throw it in a pot, the plant will not flourish, you can’t force it to grow and it doesn’t really wanna be in the pot any way.  It feels trapped in the pot.  It can’t spread or grow properly.    You can’t make someone believe in God, no matter how hard you try or want it for them.

You have to start from scratch and it has to be something someone wants you can water the plant as much as you want but it is up to the flower to blossom.

Insecurities

We all have our insecurities in life, in love and in ourselves.  I think that being insecure about ourselves make us human. If no one was insecure, it would mean that everyone was perfect, in that area of life. I am insecure; I have my reasons, just as you have yours.  My insecurities are a part of who I am, whenever I try really hard not to be insecure, it always proves that I was right and those are reasons to  be insecure, I know that I am a good person. I try to be a good person, but really after all I have been through, I am not sure why I remain that way.  I guess that is just who I am.  I don’t really like being insecure, but sometimes if you hear something long enough you start to believe it.  You know your shortcomings and your flaws in yourself.  You see flaws in others, but everyone in the end is not perfect.  So what if someone has issues, there has to be a reason for them. They don’t just wake up one morning and say I’m going to be insecure today.  I have had my flaws pointed out to me; of course I already knew what they were. I don’t think that you need to tell someone, something that is obvious to them. They know and they hurt over it. I know that I am far from perfect. I have never pretended that I am. I make mistakes often. I do things and say things I probably shouldn’t do.  I am human after all.

I love my friends because they can look past my flaws and I look past theirs and we love each other for who we are!

Faith and Relationships

I am kind of nervous writing this post.  I am not too sure how it will be received.

I asked on Twitter one day, if it was wrong that I want to have a relationship with a man who has the same faith I do? I mean we don’t have to be exactly on the same page about absolutely everything, but I would want someone who has the same fundamental beliefs I do.  I hope that doesn’t seem judgmental or anything but God is a huge part of my life and I want to be able to share it with my someday husband.   I want to be able to pray with him, read the Bible together, have discussions, and worship together. I personally believe that people with different beliefs in a relationship can strain the relationship.   I think a solid relationship is based on a foundation and you have to have similar belief systems.  When I think about this subject two things come to mind.  The first one is a bible verse.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken, if you are both wrapped around God your relationship is stronger.  Three is stronger than two strings that are just wrapped around each other.  This could be whatever you believe but for me it is God.

 The other thing I think of is an episode of Trading Spouses.  I think it is the only one I have ever watched and I have seen it twice.  The families are a Christian family and the other family is Orthodox Jewish, which means they are completely Kosher, they are very strict about dress and very old school with their beliefs.  When the Jewish mom is having dinner with the other family, she says it is important that her children marry someone who is also Orthodox Jewish. One of the family members said something along the lines of that’s judgmental.  The mother of the family agreed with the new mom and said it is important to have the same beliefs.   I have noticed people struggling with their relationships because they want to talk about their faith and the other person is not interested or even disrespectful about it.  It is ok that they don’t believe the same thing but I think that it is important to have that support system.

I have dated guys that don’t believe in God. I had some be rude about it and insult my faith. I never sat them down and tried to get them to believe in him. I respected their beliefs. I think it is easier when you have someone holding your hand and encouraging you to believe in your faith of choice and nurture it.  You definitely notice it more when you’re struggling in your faith without that support system.  It is in my opinion easier to get off the path you are on and be led astray.  I guess it is an accountability thing,  someone to keep you on track.

 Someone on Twitter responded it is important especially if you want kids down the road.  I totally agree. I am teaching Noah about God and Jesus.  His first DVD was God made Christmas. I love the God Made series. They are really cute DVDS.  I am not cramming it down his throat, he can make the choice when he is old enough to do so, but I want him to know about God.  We talk about God  together, pray together, he calls them God Blesses. It is important to me that he does. I want all my children to know about God.  I don’t want my future husband to derail my family’s beliefs.  I don’t want my children to hear that God isn’t real because he is.  I think that it becomes confusing for a child when they have parents that believe totally different things.  It becomes a struggle for the family and the child.  Things come together better when you are all together in faith and are able to grow in God (or whatever you believe in) as a family.

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Choose Your Friends Wisely

I mentioned in my peer pressure post, I would talk about a girl I once knew.  I met this girl when we were in sixth grade and became friends; she was really shy but seemed really nice. Somewhere in seventh grade we weren’t friends anymore.  We both went through school without any interaction, we went to a huge school so it was possible and we didn’t have any classes together. We were never enemies, or got in verbal confrontations, she became a girl I would occasionally hear her name and maybe possibly see her in the hall. We both moved on with our lives and then in 2007 we became reacquainted. At first it was weird, because she didn’t really care for me much, but holding on to something that happened in the sixth grade is just silly. We became friends again; I wouldn’t consider that we were really close. She spent a lot of time with some of my other friends so we hung out. She and I hung out just us maybe three times to this day.  Shortly after this happened we moved to Florida, we still stayed in touch, because I hadn’t seen the big fireworks going off warning me to run for the hills.

I knew she had some issues with her ex, and stuff like that, I could relate to her in that respect. I knew that she was hurting and I wanted to reach out and be her friend. I remember a specific time that she threatened to call the cops on me, because I didn’t agree with the legal advice some lady was giving her. She wasn’t a lawyer, she actually didn’t know what she was talking about at all. So, this girl and I stopped talking, I can’t be mixed up in that. I am a mom and I don’t have time to really deal with this kind of behavior and then she called me. She used her “wounded animal” voice and I stupidly started talking to her again. This time she thought she was pregnant; well she always thought she was pregnant.

I felt sorry for her, she completely down spiraled from there.  She would meet these guys that were no good, she even went as far as trying to change her ultrasound from the child she miscarried to fake a pregnancy, which she later said it was a miscarriage. I have had a miscarriage and that really upset me and made me very angry. I started ignoring her calls, texts, ims you name it, I ignored it. That was not ok. I found out through mutual friends that she had been engaging in criminal activities. She would call the police at a drop of a hat, and it even got to the point where she cried wolf so many times, the police didn’t believe her anymore.  I was suckered in to talking to her a few more times, I felt bad, I wanted to help. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. I honestly still feel bad for her, but my family comes first. I can’t have someone who is engaging in behaviors where I could get in trouble and go to jail or worse around me or my family. I don’t want to be innocently going to the mall or out to eat with her and land in jail for her actions. That is not someone I want to be a role model. I know that it’s her life and her choices but personally, I can’t have that around me.

As I said before, I believe that you have the right to pick your own friends, but be careful and watch out for the warning signs that something might not be right. I would hate for any of you to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and regret it.

Guppies, Guppies, Guppies

We have new pets.  After the loss of my beloved Lucy cat, in January, we decided that we would get new pets.  Noah is a fish fanatic. He loves every type of sea creature. Part of that is genetic and the other part is his room is an underwater theme, that I picked when he was a baby.  So, what better pets to get than something that lives in water, honestly I would rather have a tank of seahorses, which I plan on having some day or starfish or some really cool underwater creatures.  Unfortunately, that is not an option right now for many reasons, so we got some fish.  I didn’t want to do the whole aquarium thing because fish, the type I would buy, aka cheap ones, wouldn’t live long enough.  It is big and bulky and just a hassle. I had a fish named Jenny when I was little named after my first best friend and she lived in a fish bowl.   

So, Noah and I went to go pick out some fish. Thank goodness there was a man to help us and give us some advice.  Basically, since I just wanted to get a bowl or tank the fish choices were very limited. We got two kinds of guppies, which happen to be male and female. I guess the guy and  I both forgot to think of that before it was too late.   I guess Noah could open a guppy stand in our yard selling them for 50 cents apiece, if there are a lot of babies.  I have learned that guppies get pregnant vs laying eggs.  Noah was over the moon excited when we got the fish. He told everyone we saw about the fish. I thought he was going to burst.  It was so cute too see him that excited.  He named them, Fish, Fishy Friend, Fishy and Noah. We didn’t assign them a name that’s just their collective names. We have been spending our days watching them swim and making sure I remember to feed them.  I hate cleaning their tank though. Guppies are dirty little fish.

While I was cleaning their tank one night, I didn’t count the fish before I started.  I took out the plant I put in for decoration and went on my way to get the fish out.  I caught three of them and noticed one was missing. I looked all over the floor and counter and couldn’t find it.  I finally found the fish dead stuck in the plant. I am assuming the fish was already dead when I took the plant out because I always swished the plant and it would have swum or jumped out.  I asked Noah how many fish he saw swimming right before and he said three.  I tried to revive the fish but it was gone. I sent it to fish heaven.  I am thinking it was complications during pregnancy because I am pretty sure that fish was pregnant because it was getting really dark in areas.  Of course I didn’t mention that to Noah, it was hard enough for him. 

Noah asked me later about the fish we lost; I said it is in fish heaven with Lucy. He said cats aren’t in fish heaven.  I said oh silly mommy.  He asked me if God is in fish heaven too. I said yes.  Noah said so fish heaven is God’s Aquarium.  I think that is a beautiful thought.