We will Miss you Lexy.

A couple days ago, we noticed our kitty Lexy was not acting like her self. She wasn't in pain, but was very lazy. That's not normally like her. She hid for the first time in a long time. It took us twenty minutes to find her under a bed. There is a lot of stuff being stored under there. She was almost twenty years old. My sister and I both got kittens when I was 11. Lucy was "mine" but I loved them both equally. Lucy and Lexy lived with me. When Lucy died it was heartbreaking.

Lexy passed away on April 19th sometime in the early morning.  She died peacefully. We are all heartbroken and so sad. She has been in our family for a long time. Noah is heartbroken.  I hated having to tell him. I didn't tell him before school, he didn't ask or I would have.  I knew it would be hard for him to go to school knowing. They were throwing water balloons at the principal for doing their homework over spring break.  When Noah came home he noticed that the litter box was gone. He asked where it was. I sat him down and broke the bad news to him. I held him while we both cried. He said I am glad that Lexy gets to go to heaven and she gets to see Lucy but I am so sad because I miss her and I won't get to see her again.  It is weird not having any pets after 19 years. It becomes routine and you love them so much. 

Both Lucy and Lexy are and were extremely loved. They were good and sweet cats that lived long lives.  We miss them terribly.

Now to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts.....

The day she was taken from me

I have been lying in bed crying because today is the anniversary of my miscarriage. July 22, 2003 is the worst day of my life. Every year I cry on July 22. I started singing the lullaby my ex and I wrote for Isabelle. While I was singing it over and over, I started thinking about the words. I started thinking about my ex and how he prayed for me to miscarry. It almost makes me think that her lullaby was a lie to him. I wonder why he would do that, what was going through his mind. Why would he sit there and do such a vile thing to me, his wife at the time? He knew how bad I wanted to be a mother, and yet he would pray and wish for our child to die. I never imagined he would do that to me. I knew some cruel people that said things like that but for the man I married to sit there and do that…then have the nerve to want me to feel sorry for him after the fact.

I am big on forgiveness. I try to forgive those who hurt me, but at the same time I don’t forget. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him for that. I am not blaming him for what happened but at the same time, it really hurts. The day he told me he did that, my love for him died. I threw him out on his butt. I wanted to beat the crap out of him but I was numb, I felt like I was hit by a Mack Truck. I couldn’t even move. I was heartbroken. It was like I was reliving the moment that I learned she has no heartbeat over and over. The words were echoing in my head over and over again. I am pretty sure he was praying that I would lose Noah when I was pregnant with him. The whole time I was pregnant with Noah he and his mom were telling me over and over you know you’re going to miscarry right? Yeah that’s not what you say about your family.

I have decided that he will not steal that song from me. I will not let him take away the meaning behind it. I actually mean every word of it. He probably doesn’t but that’s alright I guess. Isabelle is loved by me always. I will still sing her lullaby and cry for her.

I thought about sharing Isabelle's Lullaby with you all on my blog. However, I think it is way too personal.

The Price of Freedom

In honor of Memorial Day, I wanted to share with you all a poem I wrote in 2004 shortly after my friend was killed in action in Iraq. I was best friends with his wife and I spent a lot of time with her and their children. I saw his daughter ask about her dad. She was only 3 and I knew his son would never have a memory of his dad because he was only 10 months old. I want to remind you all what Memorial Day is about.

The Price of Freedom

What is the price of a soldier’s blood
Their mangled bodies laying in mud
We speak of freedom but lives were lost
How many more lives will the so called freedom cost
The 15 minutes of fame
All that is left is just a name
On a plaque in some museum
What happens to the family left behind
The pain never lessens so they find
Children left without fathers
Never an explanation why
So many nightmares too much time to cry
Some so young no memories they ever had
So many unanswered questions Where is my dad?

Remember to thank a soldier and remember the fallen. Thank you to all the soldiers and my brother in law Mike. Rest in Peace Chris and all the other fallen soldiers. Thank you to those who gave their lives for our freedom.

I hope everyone has a safe Memorial Day Weekend. Please take a few moments to remember exactly what the price of freedom really is.

This poem was written directly about the experiences I went through and saw. I am not saying only men are soldiers.

Sweet Isabelle

This was a letter I wrote on January 21, 2010. I guess I deleted it and didn’t empty my recycling bin and I forgot about it. I decided I wanted to share it with you because it was intended to be a blog post but It was such an emotional day.

Dear Isabelle,
Today is your sixth birthday, and I miss you so much. I hate that you were taken away from me. I only got to see you once on my ultrasound and you were already gone. I still cry for you since you cannot. I miss you and I think about you every day. I wonder what you would have looked like. What you would like to do? I feel like a part of me is missing. I know you are looking down on me and I just wish I had the chance to hold you in my arms and to sing to you. I wish you could be with me and your brother Noah. I wish my pain would go away but it hasn’t really gone anywhere. It is easier to cope with it. I have learned to tolerate it. I can’t believe it has been so long since I lost you. It seems like just yesterday. I dream about you and the day I lost you. I love you Isabelle Rose. Noah loves you too. You would have loved him. He is the sweetest little boy.

I still feel extremely guilty about what happened. I hate that I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t have stopped it, I know that. It just makes me all so sad. If only I would have known that my body was messed up. I would have fixed it. I wish I would have prayed more. I hate your dad for praying for this. I am still heartbroken and there is emptiness. I was left with empty arms. I took so much crap from losing you. I was told to get over it, that I deserved it and many other heartbreaking cruel things. I had the housekeeper at the hospital ask me if I had my baby yet. I told her that my baby died. The housekeeper ignored the sign on my door. She didn’t know but it broke my heart.

I spent the day in the hospital pretty much in a daze. It seemed like a horrible dream that I couldn’t wake up from. I lost a lot of blood and I was weak. They had to stop and hope they got everything. I remember your family was discussing their blood types because I was probably going to need a blood transfusion. I ended up not needing it. You weren’t going to come out on your own. My body still thought I was pregnant. I just wanted to crawl in bed and be alone. I didn’t want anyone to see me like that. I was a mess. The day I came home from the hospital I went in to my bed and cried all day and night. I did that for a long time.

I felt like my soul had left me. I was so alone. I felt like no one understood. I was surrounded by many people but I felt so alone. The emptiness ate at me. It wasn’t like I didn’t know about you. I was so excited. I had already started buying you clothes. I came home and your stuff was hidden, it was all out because I was looking through it the night before I went to the hospital. I remember lying there looking at you on the monitor. I felt pure joy until they told me you didn’t have a heartbeat then I felt the worst sorrow and pain I had ever felt. I was so upset I couldn’t see I just wanted to vomit over and over. Your dad yelled at the doctor and threatened to hurt him. The ER doctor was cold which I am sure he had to learn to numb his pain. The only thing I had to remember you was a picture of you and you had already passed away and a little gold ring that I wore around my neck for 3 years straight. I still have your giraffe and I still play the music and hold it and think of you and cry. I miss you and love you little Isabelle Rose.
Love,
Mommy.