We will Miss you Lexy.

A couple days ago, we noticed our kitty Lexy was not acting like her self. She wasn't in pain, but was very lazy. That's not normally like her. She hid for the first time in a long time. It took us twenty minutes to find her under a bed. There is a lot of stuff being stored under there. She was almost twenty years old. My sister and I both got kittens when I was 11. Lucy was "mine" but I loved them both equally. Lucy and Lexy lived with me. When Lucy died it was heartbreaking.

Lexy passed away on April 19th sometime in the early morning.  She died peacefully. We are all heartbroken and so sad. She has been in our family for a long time. Noah is heartbroken.  I hated having to tell him. I didn't tell him before school, he didn't ask or I would have.  I knew it would be hard for him to go to school knowing. They were throwing water balloons at the principal for doing their homework over spring break.  When Noah came home he noticed that the litter box was gone. He asked where it was. I sat him down and broke the bad news to him. I held him while we both cried. He said I am glad that Lexy gets to go to heaven and she gets to see Lucy but I am so sad because I miss her and I won't get to see her again.  It is weird not having any pets after 19 years. It becomes routine and you love them so much. 

Both Lucy and Lexy are and were extremely loved. They were good and sweet cats that lived long lives.  We miss them terribly.

Now to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts.....

A Hard Parenting Moment

I recently wrote a post about letting people go.  Well, several nights ago Noah and I were talking, it was late, he had a cold and he started talking about my dad.  It broke my heart, without going in to personal details, basically he was saying things like I wish I could meet Grandpa. He is almost six and has never met my dad. He lives in England with his new wife and it just is far away. I haven’t seen my dad since before I found out I was pregnant with Noah.  Noah kept saying things like where is Grandpa? How far is England? Why haven’t I met him?  I didn’t have the heart to say anything. He went on to make a plan to go see him. He calculated every detail of the trip out to me.  I just went a long with it.  I felt the tears falling down my face because it made my heart hurt so badly.  We have never had the best relationship and again without getting in to all the personal details he has hurt me many times in my life, more than I can count. I had known this for a long time and it is who he is, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.  I was really hesitant to let him back in my life and now Noah’s life back in 2007.  It is really hard because he’s my dad. My five year old doesn’t know, it is sad that he hasn’t met him.  I already have seen him disappoint Noah and continue to disappoint me. I used to wonder if I did something wrong, if I wasn’t good enough growing up? I wondered if it was my fault. 

So, what do I say? I mean I am definitely not going to say the truth to my five year old. I don’t want him to know, if that makes sense. I guess I will just have to go along with it for now and not make any promises. It is not like he has made any effort to see us. He invited us out there when Noah was two.  That’s a long way from home and I would be worried something would happen and we would be on the streets in England to fend for ourselves.  He has never offered to come here once. When he was living in the states, he never offered to see us.  We actually moved to be closer to him and he took off to England.  He has never heard Noah’s voice other than on videos. He doesn’t call, Skype or anything. Noah has seen two pictures of him.  It makes me so sad, because who could want to not meet my sweet little boy. He is amazing and so smart.  It has really turned in to a very stressful and hurtful thing for me so I decided to just let him go. Let him have his life in England and all that and hope he is happy, but I can’t let him hurt us anymore. My heart can’t take it, I don’t want Noah’s heart to hurt or ever feel unloved  by him like I did for almost my entire life.  It just really stinks because Noah is asking about Grandpa all the time now and I know he is genuinely just a kid wanting to see someone he loves.

A Special Surprise at The Freedom Festival.

We went to our local Freedom Festival, we go every year. This year it was a little different. Sure we went around and collected all the branded freebies we wanted. We went to the Children’s activity tent, where Noah was able to make some really cool crafts, since he wasn’t in a stroller anymore. He doesn’t use a stroller anymore which is such a great thing because his stroller was pretty much a pain in times like this when there are a ton of people in a tent full of booths. It was really nice not to have to try and maneuver it while attempting not to smash people while enjoying the events. Noah was able to make a chain of beads that he strung all by himself. It was supposed to be a necklace but he said necklaces are for girls so I made it just a string and attached a car that he colored on to it. He made a foam picture frame that can be put on the fridge. He had a great time.

We were walking and we saw this thing on a truck. I read the banner and it said something about 9/11. I couldn’t figure out what it was, I thought maybe it was a coffin or something because it had a flag draped over it, but it didn’t really look like one. I asked my mom what it was. She knew. It was a part of The World Trade Center. When my brain registered what she said, I just started crying. My body was covered in goosebumps and my hair was standing straight up. I couldn’t speak. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. It was like wow. I didn’t know what to do or say. I just stared at it and thought about all the lives lost, what a tragedy it was and still is. I thought about all the families that lost loved ones. I was just in awe. I have only been to New York once. It was back in 1997 I believe. So, I wasn’t prepared for this. When you go somewhere like Ground Zero, you are prepared for the emotions. You know you are going to be sad. You understand what is going on. I guess when it totally blindsides you like this you just don’t know it’s there.

I can’t get the image out of my head and the great loss it was and is to our country. It was right there, I was seeing it with my own eyes. It wasn’t on TV, or a picture on my computer or a photograph, I could reach out and touch it. It was real. When something tragic happens, it is no doubt sad, but you don’t fully understand how sad until you see it with your own eyes in real life. It solidifies it, and makes it more real. They are building a monument to 9/11 with two pieces of The World Trade Center in downtown Indianapolis. It will resemble The Twin Towers, it looks like it will be a beautiful and amazing tribute to September 11 th and all the lives that were lost.

The day she was taken from me

I have been lying in bed crying because today is the anniversary of my miscarriage. July 22, 2003 is the worst day of my life. Every year I cry on July 22. I started singing the lullaby my ex and I wrote for Isabelle. While I was singing it over and over, I started thinking about the words. I started thinking about my ex and how he prayed for me to miscarry. It almost makes me think that her lullaby was a lie to him. I wonder why he would do that, what was going through his mind. Why would he sit there and do such a vile thing to me, his wife at the time? He knew how bad I wanted to be a mother, and yet he would pray and wish for our child to die. I never imagined he would do that to me. I knew some cruel people that said things like that but for the man I married to sit there and do that…then have the nerve to want me to feel sorry for him after the fact.

I am big on forgiveness. I try to forgive those who hurt me, but at the same time I don’t forget. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him for that. I am not blaming him for what happened but at the same time, it really hurts. The day he told me he did that, my love for him died. I threw him out on his butt. I wanted to beat the crap out of him but I was numb, I felt like I was hit by a Mack Truck. I couldn’t even move. I was heartbroken. It was like I was reliving the moment that I learned she has no heartbeat over and over. The words were echoing in my head over and over again. I am pretty sure he was praying that I would lose Noah when I was pregnant with him. The whole time I was pregnant with Noah he and his mom were telling me over and over you know you’re going to miscarry right? Yeah that’s not what you say about your family.

I have decided that he will not steal that song from me. I will not let him take away the meaning behind it. I actually mean every word of it. He probably doesn’t but that’s alright I guess. Isabelle is loved by me always. I will still sing her lullaby and cry for her.

I thought about sharing Isabelle's Lullaby with you all on my blog. However, I think it is way too personal.