I have been lying in bed crying because today is the anniversary of my miscarriage. July 22, 2003 is the worst day of my life. Every year I cry on July 22. I started singing the lullaby my ex and I wrote for Isabelle. While I was singing it over and over, I started thinking about the words. I started thinking about my ex and how he prayed for me to miscarry. It almost makes me think that her lullaby was a lie to him. I wonder why he would do that, what was going through his mind. Why would he sit there and do such a vile thing to me, his wife at the time? He knew how bad I wanted to be a mother, and yet he would pray and wish for our child to die. I never imagined he would do that to me. I knew some cruel people that said things like that but for the man I married to sit there and do that…then have the nerve to want me to feel sorry for him after the fact.
I am big on forgiveness. I try to forgive those who hurt me, but at the same time I don’t forget. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him for that. I am not blaming him for what happened but at the same time, it really hurts. The day he told me he did that, my love for him died. I threw him out on his butt. I wanted to beat the crap out of him but I was numb, I felt like I was hit by a Mack Truck. I couldn’t even move. I was heartbroken. It was like I was reliving the moment that I learned she has no heartbeat over and over. The words were echoing in my head over and over again. I am pretty sure he was praying that I would lose Noah when I was pregnant with him. The whole time I was pregnant with Noah he and his mom were telling me over and over you know you’re going to miscarry right? Yeah that’s not what you say about your family.
I have decided that he will not steal that song from me. I will not let him take away the meaning behind it. I actually mean every word of it. He probably doesn’t but that’s alright I guess. Isabelle is loved by me always. I will still sing her lullaby and cry for her.
I thought about sharing Isabelle's Lullaby with you all on my blog. However, I think it is way too personal.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sweet Isabelle
This was a letter I wrote on January 21, 2010. I guess I deleted it and didn’t empty my recycling bin and I forgot about it. I decided I wanted to share it with you because it was intended to be a blog post but It was such an emotional day.
Dear Isabelle,
Today is your sixth birthday, and I miss you so much. I hate that you were taken away from me. I only got to see you once on my ultrasound and you were already gone. I still cry for you since you cannot. I miss you and I think about you every day. I wonder what you would have looked like. What you would like to do? I feel like a part of me is missing. I know you are looking down on me and I just wish I had the chance to hold you in my arms and to sing to you. I wish you could be with me and your brother Noah. I wish my pain would go away but it hasn’t really gone anywhere. It is easier to cope with it. I have learned to tolerate it. I can’t believe it has been so long since I lost you. It seems like just yesterday. I dream about you and the day I lost you. I love you Isabelle Rose. Noah loves you too. You would have loved him. He is the sweetest little boy.
I still feel extremely guilty about what happened. I hate that I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t have stopped it, I know that. It just makes me all so sad. If only I would have known that my body was messed up. I would have fixed it. I wish I would have prayed more. I hate your dad for praying for this. I am still heartbroken and there is emptiness. I was left with empty arms. I took so much crap from losing you. I was told to get over it, that I deserved it and many other heartbreaking cruel things. I had the housekeeper at the hospital ask me if I had my baby yet. I told her that my baby died. The housekeeper ignored the sign on my door. She didn’t know but it broke my heart.
I spent the day in the hospital pretty much in a daze. It seemed like a horrible dream that I couldn’t wake up from. I lost a lot of blood and I was weak. They had to stop and hope they got everything. I remember your family was discussing their blood types because I was probably going to need a blood transfusion. I ended up not needing it. You weren’t going to come out on your own. My body still thought I was pregnant. I just wanted to crawl in bed and be alone. I didn’t want anyone to see me like that. I was a mess. The day I came home from the hospital I went in to my bed and cried all day and night. I did that for a long time.
I felt like my soul had left me. I was so alone. I felt like no one understood. I was surrounded by many people but I felt so alone. The emptiness ate at me. It wasn’t like I didn’t know about you. I was so excited. I had already started buying you clothes. I came home and your stuff was hidden, it was all out because I was looking through it the night before I went to the hospital. I remember lying there looking at you on the monitor. I felt pure joy until they told me you didn’t have a heartbeat then I felt the worst sorrow and pain I had ever felt. I was so upset I couldn’t see I just wanted to vomit over and over. Your dad yelled at the doctor and threatened to hurt him. The ER doctor was cold which I am sure he had to learn to numb his pain. The only thing I had to remember you was a picture of you and you had already passed away and a little gold ring that I wore around my neck for 3 years straight. I still have your giraffe and I still play the music and hold it and think of you and cry. I miss you and love you little Isabelle Rose.
Love,
Mommy.
Dear Isabelle,
Today is your sixth birthday, and I miss you so much. I hate that you were taken away from me. I only got to see you once on my ultrasound and you were already gone. I still cry for you since you cannot. I miss you and I think about you every day. I wonder what you would have looked like. What you would like to do? I feel like a part of me is missing. I know you are looking down on me and I just wish I had the chance to hold you in my arms and to sing to you. I wish you could be with me and your brother Noah. I wish my pain would go away but it hasn’t really gone anywhere. It is easier to cope with it. I have learned to tolerate it. I can’t believe it has been so long since I lost you. It seems like just yesterday. I dream about you and the day I lost you. I love you Isabelle Rose. Noah loves you too. You would have loved him. He is the sweetest little boy.
I still feel extremely guilty about what happened. I hate that I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t have stopped it, I know that. It just makes me all so sad. If only I would have known that my body was messed up. I would have fixed it. I wish I would have prayed more. I hate your dad for praying for this. I am still heartbroken and there is emptiness. I was left with empty arms. I took so much crap from losing you. I was told to get over it, that I deserved it and many other heartbreaking cruel things. I had the housekeeper at the hospital ask me if I had my baby yet. I told her that my baby died. The housekeeper ignored the sign on my door. She didn’t know but it broke my heart.
I spent the day in the hospital pretty much in a daze. It seemed like a horrible dream that I couldn’t wake up from. I lost a lot of blood and I was weak. They had to stop and hope they got everything. I remember your family was discussing their blood types because I was probably going to need a blood transfusion. I ended up not needing it. You weren’t going to come out on your own. My body still thought I was pregnant. I just wanted to crawl in bed and be alone. I didn’t want anyone to see me like that. I was a mess. The day I came home from the hospital I went in to my bed and cried all day and night. I did that for a long time.
I felt like my soul had left me. I was so alone. I felt like no one understood. I was surrounded by many people but I felt so alone. The emptiness ate at me. It wasn’t like I didn’t know about you. I was so excited. I had already started buying you clothes. I came home and your stuff was hidden, it was all out because I was looking through it the night before I went to the hospital. I remember lying there looking at you on the monitor. I felt pure joy until they told me you didn’t have a heartbeat then I felt the worst sorrow and pain I had ever felt. I was so upset I couldn’t see I just wanted to vomit over and over. Your dad yelled at the doctor and threatened to hurt him. The ER doctor was cold which I am sure he had to learn to numb his pain. The only thing I had to remember you was a picture of you and you had already passed away and a little gold ring that I wore around my neck for 3 years straight. I still have your giraffe and I still play the music and hold it and think of you and cry. I miss you and love you little Isabelle Rose.
Love,
Mommy.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The best thing that anyone has done for me
I am in a nostalgic mood tonight. I am listening to old mix cds I have from 4 or so years ago. I decided to tell you all about the best thing that anyone has ever done for me. I have lost contact with her but I will never ever forget what she did for me. In July 2003 I had a miscarriage. I was devastated completely and utterly devastated. All my life all I wanted to be was a mother. Most girls were playing with Barbies I was playing with dolls. I owned like 3 barbies in my life. They weren’t my thing.
When I was in the hospital, I found out that they do a memorial service at a cemetery where they cremate the baby’s ashes and put them all other and bury them in a cylinder a couple times a year. That was something that I really wanted for my child. It was something tangible to hold on to. I could go visit. It really helped me with my healing process.
In October 2003 I met a girl named Charlene. She was dating a guy that my ex was in a band with. Ok it was more like jam sessions but they called it a band at this point. Charlene came with Caleb to band practice one day. I stayed home and hung out at the apartment. My ex called me and told me about her. She ended up coming over that night. She was crying. Crying really hard. I sat down next to her and rubbed her back and reassured her that everything is ok and we talked. I thought I would never see her again. It was one of those random meetings. I hardly ever went to band practice with him so I just thought oh she was nice. Charlene and Caleb were planning on going to Florida a day or two later.
I had gotten an invitation for the memorial service so of course I wanted to go. We got there and my mom and sister were there and his whole family was there. I couldn’t take it. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see. I was looking down at the ground because I couldn’t look at anyone. I saw a hand give me some Kleenex and I looked up to thank them and it was Charlene. I met this girl one night and she was there for me the moment I needed a friend. I was amazed that she would take time out to be there for me. Especially when they were supposed to be in Florida.
At the end of the service, she and I were joking about hiding in the trunk and going to Florida with them and the guys said we didn’t have to hide in the trunk and we left for Florida at midnight.
After that we were always together. We were best of friends. We did all kinds of things together. We would go on little adventures together. We would stay up late and go to a restaurant for hours. They passed out ribbons at the memorial and she hung hers from her rear view mirror with a message to my child. Every time I saw it I thought about the wonderful thing she did and about my baby.
She had the opportunity to go to Germany for a semester of college and when she came back she had changed. She was like a stranger again. I had hung out with her a handful of times before we just stopped contacting each other. I miss her. We had some really fun times together. People change and times change. I just hope she is happy and all that.
Honk Honk. Beep Beep.
When I was in the hospital, I found out that they do a memorial service at a cemetery where they cremate the baby’s ashes and put them all other and bury them in a cylinder a couple times a year. That was something that I really wanted for my child. It was something tangible to hold on to. I could go visit. It really helped me with my healing process.
In October 2003 I met a girl named Charlene. She was dating a guy that my ex was in a band with. Ok it was more like jam sessions but they called it a band at this point. Charlene came with Caleb to band practice one day. I stayed home and hung out at the apartment. My ex called me and told me about her. She ended up coming over that night. She was crying. Crying really hard. I sat down next to her and rubbed her back and reassured her that everything is ok and we talked. I thought I would never see her again. It was one of those random meetings. I hardly ever went to band practice with him so I just thought oh she was nice. Charlene and Caleb were planning on going to Florida a day or two later.
I had gotten an invitation for the memorial service so of course I wanted to go. We got there and my mom and sister were there and his whole family was there. I couldn’t take it. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see. I was looking down at the ground because I couldn’t look at anyone. I saw a hand give me some Kleenex and I looked up to thank them and it was Charlene. I met this girl one night and she was there for me the moment I needed a friend. I was amazed that she would take time out to be there for me. Especially when they were supposed to be in Florida.
At the end of the service, she and I were joking about hiding in the trunk and going to Florida with them and the guys said we didn’t have to hide in the trunk and we left for Florida at midnight.
After that we were always together. We were best of friends. We did all kinds of things together. We would go on little adventures together. We would stay up late and go to a restaurant for hours. They passed out ribbons at the memorial and she hung hers from her rear view mirror with a message to my child. Every time I saw it I thought about the wonderful thing she did and about my baby.
She had the opportunity to go to Germany for a semester of college and when she came back she had changed. She was like a stranger again. I had hung out with her a handful of times before we just stopped contacting each other. I miss her. We had some really fun times together. People change and times change. I just hope she is happy and all that.
Honk Honk. Beep Beep.
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