We went to our local Freedom Festival, we go every year. This year it was a little different. Sure we went around and collected all the branded freebies we wanted. We went to the Children’s activity tent, where Noah was able to make some really cool crafts, since he wasn’t in a stroller anymore. He doesn’t use a stroller anymore which is such a great thing because his stroller was pretty much a pain in times like this when there are a ton of people in a tent full of booths. It was really nice not to have to try and maneuver it while attempting not to smash people while enjoying the events. Noah was able to make a chain of beads that he strung all by himself. It was supposed to be a necklace but he said necklaces are for girls so I made it just a string and attached a car that he colored on to it. He made a foam picture frame that can be put on the fridge. He had a great time.
We were walking and we saw this thing on a truck. I read the banner and it said something about 9/11. I couldn’t figure out what it was, I thought maybe it was a coffin or something because it had a flag draped over it, but it didn’t really look like one. I asked my mom what it was. She knew. It was a part of The World Trade Center. When my brain registered what she said, I just started crying. My body was covered in goosebumps and my hair was standing straight up. I couldn’t speak. I was so overwhelmed with emotion. It was like wow. I didn’t know what to do or say. I just stared at it and thought about all the lives lost, what a tragedy it was and still is. I thought about all the families that lost loved ones. I was just in awe. I have only been to New York once. It was back in 1997 I believe. So, I wasn’t prepared for this. When you go somewhere like Ground Zero, you are prepared for the emotions. You know you are going to be sad. You understand what is going on. I guess when it totally blindsides you like this you just don’t know it’s there.
I can’t get the image out of my head and the great loss it was and is to our country. It was right there, I was seeing it with my own eyes. It wasn’t on TV, or a picture on my computer or a photograph, I could reach out and touch it. It was real. When something tragic happens, it is no doubt sad, but you don’t fully understand how sad until you see it with your own eyes in real life. It solidifies it, and makes it more real. They are building a monument to 9/11 with two pieces of The World Trade Center in downtown Indianapolis. It will resemble The Twin Towers, it looks like it will be a beautiful and amazing tribute to September 11 th and all the lives that were lost.
I have been lying in bed crying because today is the anniversary of my miscarriage. July 22, 2003 is the worst day of my life. Every year I cry on July 22. I started singing the lullaby my ex and I wrote for Isabelle. While I was singing it over and over, I started thinking about the words. I started thinking about my ex and how he prayed for me to miscarry. It almost makes me think that her lullaby was a lie to him. I wonder why he would do that, what was going through his mind. Why would he sit there and do such a vile thing to me, his wife at the time? He knew how bad I wanted to be a mother, and yet he would pray and wish for our child to die. I never imagined he would do that to me. I knew some cruel people that said things like that but for the man I married to sit there and do that…then have the nerve to want me to feel sorry for him after the fact.
I am big on forgiveness. I try to forgive those who hurt me, but at the same time I don’t forget. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him for that. I am not blaming him for what happened but at the same time, it really hurts. The day he told me he did that, my love for him died. I threw him out on his butt. I wanted to beat the crap out of him but I was numb, I felt like I was hit by a Mack Truck. I couldn’t even move. I was heartbroken. It was like I was reliving the moment that I learned she has no heartbeat over and over. The words were echoing in my head over and over again. I am pretty sure he was praying that I would lose Noah when I was pregnant with him. The whole time I was pregnant with Noah he and his mom were telling me over and over you know you’re going to miscarry right? Yeah that’s not what you say about your family.
I have decided that he will not steal that song from me. I will not let him take away the meaning behind it. I actually mean every word of it. He probably doesn’t but that’s alright I guess. Isabelle is loved by me always. I will still sing her lullaby and cry for her.
I thought about sharing Isabelle's Lullaby with you all on my blog. However, I think it is way too personal.
In honor of Memorial Day, I wanted to share with you all a poem I wrote in 2004 shortly after my friend was killed in action in Iraq. I was best friends with his wife and I spent a lot of time with her and their children. I saw his daughter ask about her dad. She was only 3 and I knew his son would never have a memory of his dad because he was only 10 months old. I want to remind you all what Memorial Day is about.
The Price of Freedom
What is the price of a soldier’s blood
Their mangled bodies laying in mud
We speak of freedom but lives were lost
How many more lives will the so called freedom cost
The 15 minutes of fame
All that is left is just a name
On a plaque in some museum
What happens to the family left behind
The pain never lessens so they find
Children left without fathers
Never an explanation why
So many nightmares too much time to cry
Some so young no memories they ever had
So many unanswered questions Where is my dad?
Remember to thank a soldier and remember the fallen. Thank you to all the soldiers and my brother in law Mike. Rest in Peace Chris and all the other fallen soldiers. Thank you to those who gave their lives for our freedom.
I hope everyone has a safe Memorial Day Weekend. Please take a few moments to remember exactly what the price of freedom really is.
This poem was written directly about the experiences I went through and saw. I am not saying only men are soldiers.
17 years ago today, My Grandpa Jim passed away. He was a great man. He was the man that I always looked up to. He was a retired diesel mechanic who would still go to work when someone needed him. His finger nails were stained black from the diesel oil from working on the 18 wheelers. He always had a smile on his face. He would go out of his way to help others. He would instantly make friends with anyone who was sitting next to him on the bench at the mall while grandma and I shopped. He was amazing. He would always bring me Mc Donald’s when I was staying at their house which was very often. I loved spending time with him and we even had our own Cabbage Patch Kids Clubhouse which was his tool shed. My sister and I had fun tying him up while our mom and grandma went shopping. Once my grandpa saw that a shingle was loose on the roof and he had climbed up a ladder and was standing on the roof. He scared my mom by doing that.
My Grandpa Jim was a fighter. He broke his neck and lived to tell the tale. I knew any time I would wake up in early morning I would find him playing solitaire and drinking coffee. My grandpa was famous for his hat collection. His favorite hat was his Electronic Butterfly hat that my aunt and uncle had given him from their business. He loved to take pictures and go out west to California. He loved to travel and go on adventures. He also loved to watch ball games. He was a huge Purdue fan. I used to lie in between the kitchen and family room and watch TV and my grandpa used to pretend to step on me. I was a skinny kid and he would call me Skinny Minnie. I remember a time that I had ate a Lifesaver and I was choking on it. He took me outside and threw me over his shoulder and patted me on the back until the Lifesaver came out. He was my Lifesaver that day. He was truly the best gentleman and many people were blessed to have him in their lives.
I still remember the day he died. I remember when we got the call to go to the hospital right away, since they won’t tell you over the phone. It was an hour drive. It was a very long hour. I remember I cried the whole way there. I remember going in to the hospital and finding out he was gone. I remember sitting in the room and staring at the box of tissue. A family friend’s daughter was a nurse at the hospital. I knew her parents because they lived across the street from my grandparents and her sister was my grandma’s hair stylist and she cut my hair sometimes. I remember I drank a little can of Shasta. I cried and cried that day. They told us that he was laughing one minute and joking with the nurses and the next minute he was gone. There were so many people at his funeral. He was buried with the one thing that was most fitting for him… his wrench.
I think about him all the time. We talk about him often. I hate putting things together and when I can’t figure them out I am sure my grandpa is laughing at me and thinking it is so simple. I wish both my grandparents could have met Noah. Noah’s middle name is James after him. Noah does a lot of things that would make my grandpa smile. Noah has that same urge to fix things and figure out how they work. Noah is definitely his great grandfather’s great grandson.
I am sure my Grandpa Jim is looking down on us and whenever Noah is doing something with wheels or trying to figure out how something works he smiles and says that’s my boy.
A fellow blogger tragically lost her 2 year old son on Monday. This Wordless Wednesday is dedicated to him. Please be sure to go to Momdot to see the whole prayer and candle train posted in his memory. Please take a few moments to pray for Shellie and her family. Shellie, we all love you and are here for you always.
I am in a nostalgic mood tonight. I am listening to old mix cds I have from 4 or so years ago. I decided to tell you all about the best thing that anyone has ever done for me. I have lost contact with her but I will never ever forget what she did for me. In July 2003 I had a miscarriage. I was devastated completely and utterly devastated. All my life all I wanted to be was a mother. Most girls were playing with Barbies I was playing with dolls. I owned like 3 barbies in my life. They weren’t my thing.
When I was in the hospital, I found out that they do a memorial service at a cemetery where they cremate the baby’s ashes and put them all other and bury them in a cylinder a couple times a year. That was something that I really wanted for my child. It was something tangible to hold on to. I could go visit. It really helped me with my healing process.
In October 2003 I met a girl named Charlene. She was dating a guy that my ex was in a band with. Ok it was more like jam sessions but they called it a band at this point. Charlene came with Caleb to band practice one day. I stayed home and hung out at the apartment. My ex called me and told me about her. She ended up coming over that night. She was crying. Crying really hard. I sat down next to her and rubbed her back and reassured her that everything is ok and we talked. I thought I would never see her again. It was one of those random meetings. I hardly ever went to band practice with him so I just thought oh she was nice. Charlene and Caleb were planning on going to Florida a day or two later.
I had gotten an invitation for the memorial service so of course I wanted to go. We got there and my mom and sister were there and his whole family was there. I couldn’t take it. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see. I was looking down at the ground because I couldn’t look at anyone. I saw a hand give me some Kleenex and I looked up to thank them and it was Charlene. I met this girl one night and she was there for me the moment I needed a friend. I was amazed that she would take time out to be there for me. Especially when they were supposed to be in Florida.
At the end of the service, she and I were joking about hiding in the trunk and going to Florida with them and the guys said we didn’t have to hide in the trunk and we left for Florida at midnight.
After that we were always together. We were best of friends. We did all kinds of things together. We would go on little adventures together. We would stay up late and go to a restaurant for hours. They passed out ribbons at the memorial and she hung hers from her rear view mirror with a message to my child. Every time I saw it I thought about the wonderful thing she did and about my baby.
She had the opportunity to go to Germany for a semester of college and when she came back she had changed. She was like a stranger again. I had hung out with her a handful of times before we just stopped contacting each other. I miss her. We had some really fun times together. People change and times change. I just hope she is happy and all that.
Honk Honk. Beep Beep.
Happy Birthday Chris. Today is Chris’s 27th birthday. A day that is supposed to be a happy one full of joy and cake and presents is one full of tears and empty arms. His mother is probably crying and his kids are probably wondering why right now. Tears are falling for him 5 years later tears for a fallen Solider. See my friend Chris was killed in Iraq in 2004. He was fighting for my freedom and all of us. He just wanted to make his kids proud of him.
I will always remember Chris as a smart man who was very funny. I miss him a lot. I think about him often. He was special. He could make me laugh. He “saved” my life once. Well, I twisted my ankle and he came and got me. We didn’t always get along but he was a good man. We butted heads a lot but we had fun playing Perfect Dark and talking. I learned so much from Chris. He was an encyclopedia of knowledge.
We always did crazy things, Chris, Her and I one year we decided we were gonna go and buy each other a ton of presents and open one each night and then we would end up opening more so we would have to get more presents. They had a birthday party of me and I ended up knocking everything out of the fridge with the gallon of orange juice and I got kicked out of the kitchen. Long Story :)
I remember when She told me he was enlisting. I thought oh he’ll be ok he will be fine. I remember when she told me he was going to Iraq. I reassured her it will be ok he will come home. I remember that March afternoon when I checked my voicemail and it was her calling and saying Call me right away Something bad has happened. I remember when I called her back her sister wouldn’t tell me what was going on. I remember when she called me back and told me. She said Chris has passed away. I couldn’t believe it I couldn’t speak and opened the gates of the Hoover Dam of tears.
I remember the viewing, I remember the funeral. It was really hard for me to approach my best friend of 17 years. I remember all of it. It seems like a dream. I used to dream that Chris was on a secret mission and that he was faking like in the movies and he would just randomly show up. Of course that isn’t the truth. My heart hurts for his family and his kids. His youngest will never remember him and that is a sad sad thing. Chris was a great person , great father and an American Hero.
So, Happy Birthday Chris, some day we will be able to see each other again and We can talk about all those things we talked about back in the day. Until then, Happy New Year.
Love,Sherla
Please remember to Thank A Solider give them a hug after all they sacrifice things: their time and their lives for our freedom. Support the Troops until they all come home. Remember to hold them tightly and tell them how proud of them you are.
August 20,2009
Today marks the one year anniversary of Tommy’s passing. I thought I would write a post about my thoughts and reflections of Tommy’s life.
Here is a video that Rene aka Tommys Mommy made about Tommy’s life.
When I first started talking to Rene I was captivated by Tommy. He was so adorable and so strong. I learned about Tommy’s health problems and I learned about Congenital Heart Defects. I didn’t even know it existed until I started talking to Rene. I instantly fell in love with Tommy. His smile was one of those that could make your heart melt. I felt a bond with Rene and Tommy from day one. It could have been that Tommy was only a couple weeks younger than Noah but I think it was something more. I honestly think that Tommy was put on this Earth to inspire and educate. He touched so many lives and now through his story and spirit will touch many more. Tommy’s memory will live on forever.
Tommy was special not because he was medically fragile but because he had a purpose and was so determined to survive. I think that people spend their whole lives doing the good things that Tommy did in his 23 months on this Earth. Tommy was a happy little boy and loved to flirt with the nurses. He was a celebrity to them. He had such bright eyes and a radiant smile. I carefully followed every moment of Tommy’s life from the time that he was 10 months old. I laughed at the silly videos that Rene posted. I smiled when he would do something sweet or anytime I saw his little face. I would cry tears of joy when he made progress. I cried those tears of joy when I saw the video of him saying Mama, when he got his trach out and when he attempted to eat the blue water.
Rene was and still is great about answering my questions about Tommy and the health issues he had. She taught me so much. Sometimes I felt like I was asking her a really stupid question. She would always answer and explain everything to me. I am by no means a doctor.
One day when Tommy was in the hospital I got an idea to make him a Get Well poster. I wanted something big and bold that he could study and enjoy looking at. I made him a Thomas the train. Still to this day, I have no clue how I was able to do that. See, since I am left handed I am naturally a horrible cutter. I did it free handed. I didn’t use any stencils or trace anything. I was really proud of it. It turned out really awesome. A Thomas for a Thomas Rene said to me shortly after I sent it to her. I would have done anything for him. Just to see him smile.
Tommy’s life was full of ups and downs. There were Good days and bad days. I know that Rene would never trade them away and that she keeps them all close to her in her heart.
I remember a year ago when I found out Tommy was gone. I remember that I was sitting on my bed on the computer and there was an urgent update on his Care page. I was just washed with worry. She hardly ever updated marked urgent. As soon as I saw the email I logged in to his care page and read the news. I just sat there for a moment reading the words. It took a minute to process and then I just felt a flood of tears. I was bawling so hard. I hadn’t cried that hard in a long time. I didn’t think I was ever going to stop. I think I cried until I had no more tears. I woke up all kinds of people. I went in to Noah’s room just to love on him. I needed my little boy. I also woke up my mom and told her what happened. Then I texted a friend of mine that knows Rene and Tommy and she called me and I told her about what happened. I am not sure how she understood anything I said because I was crying so hard. That was a very sad very painful next few days.
It felt like some horrible nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. You know when you are dreaming and you aren’t sure if you are. Then something out of place happens that you know couldn’t possibly happen? I was waiting for that moment. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to hear that Tommy was ok. But sadly it was not a dream and he was gone. I spent those few days looking back at Rene’s blog reading thru the posts of his short life. She documented almost everything. I couldn’t look in to his eyes without crying. I was wishing that it wasn’t true. I really miss Tommy. He was a great little boy.
When I went to visit Rene as I mentioned before we went to Tommy’s grave. It was so emotional and real to me. I hadn’t been so it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just stared at the place where he is buried. I know that the part of Tommy that we all love isn’t in the ground. That part of Tommy is in Heaven. He is dancing and singing and laughing with a perfect heart and no scars or signs of a trach.
I am raising awareness for Congenital Heart Defects any way I can. I am helping Rene get Tommy’s story out there. I am helping educate people about CHD. I created a memorial page on Facebook for Tommy. Today is Bubbles for Tommy and I will be out there with my son blowing bubbles for him. Anytime I see bubbles I think of Tommy. I believe that the bubbles are floating to Heaven for him to play with.
I will have a wonderfully exciting post coming up soon so stay tuned.
I got an idea a while back. My great idea is on August 20, 2009 I would hold an event called Bubbles for Tommy. Tommy is my friend Rene's son who passed away on August 20, 2008 from Congenital Heart Defects. You can read about Tommy on a previous post.
Bubbles for Tommy is where we all who loved Tommy or anyone who just wants to help us remember Tommy by blowing bubbles on August 20, 2009. Tommy loved bubbles so much. I thought it would be awesome to fill the sky with bubbles for him to play with in Heaven. Since everyone is all over the US and the World that loved Tommy I thought because we can't possibly get together in one spot. We could symbolically be united together through the bubbles. The sky is huge so it will take a lot of bubbles to fill it.
If you want to participate please blow bubbles on August 20, 2009 at
7 pm Eastern time
6 pm Central Time
5 pm Mountain Time
4 pm Pacific Time
Help us celebrate Tommy's life. We miss and love Tommy so much. He was a strong fighter and an adorable charming little boy.
