This is part of three of What Happened to Me and Here’s What Happened be sure to catch up if you haven’t already.
So, what am I like now? I am very shy and quiet. I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Just ask Brandy, I drive her crazy I am sure dissecting everything down to the etymology of the word, maybe not that far, but close. I hate being this way. I don’t really smile much. I do when I am with my son, since I am a stay at home mom you would think that would mean always. I want to smile for other reasons though, not just because my son is being goofy or cute. I want to be back to who I was, who I am. I want to really bad.
Now, I have to figure out what I need to do. I need to let go. I am great at forgiving someone but not so great at forgetting and really forgiving myself. I am not sure why that is really. I have always had an excellent memory and I remember almost everything. I guess it goes back to being too hard on myself. I guess. I am way too hard on myself. I don’t know why. I just am. I guess I need to let myself go a little. Let my hair down and quit being a worrywart. I need to loosen up some and understand that it is ok to mess up and not know what is going to happen, or what might happen if this happens that would probably not happen. Worrying is hard work. If I spent less time worrying about silly stuff life would be so much better.
I was thinking while I was checking on my roasted pork I am cooking, that I am scared to post these posts because what if people think I am crazy. What if they don’t like me anymore? I stopped myself and was like who cares. What if…. What if….. Martians floated down in bubbles and stole our grass. I can’t worry about everything. It really is getting hard and taking a toll on my life. I need to leave the worrying to others or just not worry as much as I do. I worry about my friends and family too constantly. I worry about every little thing I can.
I am compulsive worrier. I am worrying about worrying too much right now. I think I am going to try and remove the words what if from my vocabulary and stop thinking about something that may or may not happen and be confident that what happens is what is meant to happen especially about things I have absolutely no control over what so ever.
I also have quite a bit of fear about some silly things. I guess that fear and worry go hand and hand. Fear is the mind killer. I really believe that. Fear can consume you just like worry or rage. I need to not fear. I need to trust in God that everything will be fine and just forget about it. I also need to realize that I can’t fix all the wrongs in this world by myself. I love that quote and I often find myself trying to fix things.
I have recently been reminded in life there are no guarantees. The only guarantee is death, which is the only thing you can count on eventually happening. In relationships I just have to let things happen the way they are supposed to happen and not push people away and not worry. I need to learn to trust, I do trust people but at the same time I don’t trust that what someone is saying is what they really mean and not that they have some ulterior motive. I just realized I am ultimately setting myself up for failure. It has become a routine thing where I almost make it fail. If you think you won’t succeed you won’t. It is all about the mindset you have. I will not expect to fail anymore. I will succeed and if I do fail than well whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
sounds like a lot has to do with Hanging onto the past .... easy to forgive you say but in order to truly forgive a person you need to be able to forget so to speak as well.
ReplyDeleteForgive but not forget is what I always say, however, when I truly forgive it's in the back of my head way back there so that it doesn't consume my mind. I also believe you can't become the person "you used to be" why? Well because you are a different person than you used to be. Now you are a mother, friend and blogger, therefore you can't live in the past in that way either.
Make a decision of the type of person you want to be and become that person, it may take years but you can do it! Took me TWO years of truly trying girl and focusing on the person I wanted to be.
((HUGS))
Hugs girl! I need to make some changes too. It just takes time and self discipline and that is hard when you have kids watching you all the time! You can do it though and so can I!!!
ReplyDelete**hugs** sweetie... I've been holding onto the posts to make sure I read them... I have a lot of the same things... to trusting, forgive easily, big heart... only my memory is going wacko-wacko lately! It is hard to forgive, truely forgive. I told my mother years before she passed that I forgave her, but I wonder if I really did, or just told her so she would feel better, kwim? I have a "friend" ahem.. loosely said, that has burned me many times, but with only 2 people that are 'physically close' to talk to or do anything with, I forgive her too easily... but with lots of caution.. Maybe we are not meant to forget? Because if we forget, the mistakes can be repeated, by remembering them, we can learn to stop that hurt from happening again. Live and learn, a day at a time.
ReplyDeletehugs, Faythe :)
Well...as someone who shares some genes with you-I must say we were born with the "worry gene".
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this 3 part blog, I don't know what to say, except that this has brought me to tears.
You and I have shared a lot of experiences, but for some reason we haven't shared our feelings regarding these things with each other.
Just something to "chew" on...
Love always! J
Well, as someone who shares some genes with you, I must say we are "blessed" with the worry gene....
ReplyDeleteAlso, I must say that it is interesting that we have both been through similar circumstances, but for some reason...we have not shared these feelings regarding our experiences with each other.
One thing I have learned about our genes, though is that we are survivors. Sometimes though this is not a good thing....just surviving is not enough. We do need to be happy, and being happy is not in the face of Noah or the way he acts...it's in our own hands. We need to remember this...and we need to remember what it means to be a sister. A sister is someone you can look to and talk to about how you feel or what you are going through. She is someone you always wish the best for and for whom you hope for success....
If nothing else, I hope that you writing this blog...and me reading this blogs reminds us of who we are...and what we can be to each other!
Love Always....even when you think I am picking on you!
J