Don't Sexually Harass Me!

I wrote about sexual harassment several years ago about a man named Bob. I felt like it was time to talk about it again. This time I will not be telling you a story about a person I knew. However I will be sharing with you my thoughts and feelings about sexual harassment. First, sexual harassment is not funny. You don't make sexual comments about any person unless it's a significant other with their permission. If you wouldn't say it to your parent or grandparents, do not say it to someone else. It's rude. It's disrespectful and it's wrong. I don't care what your beliefs are, you should respect others at all times.

Secondly, it’s not a joke. I don't think anyone would like it if their parent or adult child would have that said to them. Most of us are parents. I am someone's mom. I am a daughter. It's not a compliment. No one likes to feel like a piece of meat. No one likes to have comments made about them like that. It doesn't make people feel good or feel attractive. They don't like the attention. They are mortified. They want to disappear.  They want you to stop. People are not put on this Earth to be treated like crap. By sexualizing a person you are robbing them of their dignity and self-worth. Every time you make a comment you are stealing a piece of their self-esteem. After a while there's nothing left.  You are a sexual predator. It's worse when the person who does this is married. It gives a whole new layer of how wrong it is. Sexual harassment is not just a single thing. It's not a married thing, it's not a man thing. It's not a woman thing. It's not a particular race or age or anything thing. It's a creep thing. It's someone who feels bad about themselves that they have to sexually harass someone to make themselves feel desirable. We need to take a stand and not put up with it anymore. It's not cool.

I am upset that if you do this in the workplace it's illegal. I totally believe it should be, please understand this but if someone makes a lewd gesture or says something sexual it's not really a crime. It could eventually become harassment at some point by law. I do understand that the jails would be overcrowded with these offenders so it would be really tough. It doesn't matter what a person looks like, how their body looks, if they have big breasts or whatever they may have. They aren't open for sexual comments and gestures. Some women have bigger breasts or bottoms than others. Some can't help that. It doesn't matter what they are wearing, it's not an invitation for you to comment or stare. I think that some guys are misinformed about women. No we don't want to be talked to like that. We are not objects for you to lust over. Thankfully, there are men out there that don't do this. There are great men who value women. I am not sure how a parent allows their adult child to treat another person like that. If my son did it, he would be in big trouble. I wouldn't care if he was 45 and I was in my sixties. It won't happen. I'm not blaming their parents of course. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I notice this a lot on dating sites. Of course you may not find the crème de la crème of men or women on there. If you’re a single parent who works from home you don't go out a lot. You look for conversation about grown up things. You can only talk about Star Wars and Minecraft for so long. You want to talk about other things. Even if you have no interest in becoming romantically involved you still deserve respect. I believe when you make unwanted sexual advances towards someone you are abusing them. You make them feel bad about themselves. You make them feel sad and useless. You can almost break their spirits. It doesn't matter if it's a stranger or if it's a person you have known for years. Some ask for sexual favors in exchange for favors. That’s not OK. Even if you are claiming you are just joking. It’s wrong. I was always taught that you do favors for people because you want to help them. You don’t do them to get something in return. You don’t do them to benefit. Especially when someone genuinely needs help.  You are not owed something to help someone. Even if you feel that you are, it shouldn’t be sexual. If we all kept track of all the nice things we ever did to others, we would be owed a lot. Give to Give. Help to Help. To play devil’s advocate, the person might be lonely. They may have a hard home life. They may just want to feel desired or wanted. Making sexual advances is not the way to do that. Work out your problems with your significant other, go to counseling or end your relationship.  Please don’t look elsewhere and make someone else feel bad. I know misery loves company but no one wants to share in that.  

There's also those who use people by leading them on. They have no interest in having a relationship with the other person. They get what they want through lies and empty promises. It's hard to accept when that is happening especially when they are feeding you everything you wanna hear. Those are the people who prey on those who were abused and maybe have low self-worth.  It goes back to the anything is better than nothing theory. I can tell you and promise you that it's not. It's not better. I promise its worse. Loneliness sucks badly. It's better to be lonely than have the person who you think loves you lying to you and using you.

You have the right to be loved. You have the right to hold your head high. You have the right to feel good about yourself. You are not a piece of meat. You are not defined by how many people you have been with or the choices you made in the past. You are beautiful and amazing. Anyone who thinks otherwise, well that's their problem.

I sincerely hope that this post gives someone the strength to stand up and say enough is enough.

Please Don't Say Hurtful Things About Others

Noah was in gym class and two girls started fighting. Noah did the responsible thing and told the teacher. One of the girls, who are kindergarteners, was saying help help help. Noah told me later that he thought about stepping in but didn't. He decided to tell the teacher. I told him that he did the right thing. I told him he could have gotten hurt or in trouble too. I am proud of him for making the right choice. Another girl called him stupid. He was obviously upset about it still when he got home. I told him he isn't stupid, he is really smart, as he begged to do his double digit addition worksheet. I asked him if he thought he was stupid and he said no. I told him that sometimes people say things that aren't true and that girl doesn't really know him and that she was just being mean. I also asked him what he did when she said that and he said nothing. I told him that was best because he might have made her madder. I am so proud of him for making good choices. I am proud of him for doing the right thing by telling a teacher about the fight and for being able to know that if someone says something about you it's not always true. 

After our conversation, it got me thinking. I have been called some things and been accused of being a certain way but I know that I am not any of them. People have a way of twisting words and putting words in others mouths and until there is nothing true about what the original person said. It is like a bad game of telephone. I think that it is important to talk to your children about who they are and make sure you give them praise and let them know that sometimes they will be faced with someone who calls them stupid or fat or ugly and that none of it is true. Not a single word of it. When you believe in yourself and love yourself nothing anyone can say will define you. When you start thinking that way is when it is really a problem. As I have mentioned before, I was in an abusive marriage. I was told how fat and ugly and stupid I was every day that I believed it. If you hear something long enough and loud enough you will start to believe it even if it is just a lie. I know how hard it is not to care what others think. It really doesn't matter; if someone loves you then they love all of you. They look past your flaws because they don't see them. I think that flaws are things we all have, we are not perfect, but are things our enemies use to try and break us down.  If someone tried hard enough they could find something wrong with anything. I am perfectly imperfect, and I am perfectly fine with that. 

Sometimes You Just Have to Let Them Go.....

One of the hardest things is letting go. It is important to let go those that have hurt us repeatedly. Those people who do not have your best interest at heart, those that think of only themselves.  Unfortunately, I have a big heart. I say unfortunately because as I am aware it is a great thing, it is also a curse at the same time.  I look for the good in people as I have mentioned before, but sometimes you can’t find good in everyone. There are bad people in this world that want to hurt you, that don’t really care about you and it sucks.  Sometimes you just hit your complete breaking point and you have to just cut your losses, cut ties and hopefully learn something in the process.  Losing someone is never easy; you end up mourning the loss of a friendship or a loss of a relationship with a family member.  You go through a grieving period and it hurts. I will always care about those people, but my heart can’t take the pain that they caused. It is really hard for me to stop caring about someone.

 Sometimes I wonder if I gave too many chances, maybe I would see a difference, maybe they would change. The truth is you have to accept someone for who they are, not for what you see them to be. I really need to stop looking at a person’s potential and see them for what they really are. I guess I expect more in people, and when I find out I was wrong, I become disappointed in them.  I don’t expect much, I expect someone to be caring, compassionate, loving, and kind. It is so hard to know what kind of person someone is. You don’t want to push everyone away because people have hurt you in the past, but there is no way of really knowing.  It would be a lot easier if I had an eggdacator like in Willy Wonka, that would tell me if they were a bad egg or not.  If only I could line everyone up and have them step on the machine and see what happens.  If they were a bad egg, like Veruca Salt, down the garbage chute they would go.  I have learned there is not good in everyone. Something must have happened to make them this way.  Some people are just bitter jerks.  It has taken me a long time to learn this.

The worst feeling in the world is when you find out a family member is this way.  Especially when you have given your all to make things work, devoted so much time and energy to be there and when you find out who they really are, it is just like a slap in the face. Maybe I had hoped you changed, and it didn’t happen. There is just so much pain you can take before it eats you alive and you just can’t allow that person to hurt you anymore.  I guess you get to a point where the emotional pain is normal; it really messes with your other relationships and human dynamics.  Hope is a funny thing, it is good to have hope, but sometimes too much hope can distort your reality and make you hurt in the long run.  Some say you are in control of how you feel, and that you only allow someone make you feel a certain way, that is true, but there are a couple exceptions to the rules, one being when it comes to family. You spend your whole life looking up to someone, loving them, trying as hard as you can to have that relationship and bond with them and then one day you come to find out that they never cared and it was all a sham.  One of the quotes from Fools Rush In that I think about is “Love is a gift, not an obligation.” That basically means if it is a gift to love someone and be loved, not something you do because you have to.  I just feel like they were obligated and all those words and memories were a lie, because actions speak louder than words.

 I am not sure I can remember a time where I thought wow, he really loves me, I am sure there was one but it is just weird I can’t remember it.  I think that is the hardest truth to understand.  Now, it is time to let go of all of the pain and the hurt and the sorrow.  It’s time to live a happy life full of laughter and love, and put all that suffering behind me and leave those who have hurt me behind, no matter how hard that might be.  I am at peace with my decision, it probably is something I should have done a long time ago, but that little imp called Hope was playing a trick on me again. It’s good to hope, just don’t hope yourself in to a bad situation, see people for who they are, not what you potentially see in them, use caution and set a limit and once the limit exists be brave enough to just let them go.

I will instead of becoming a bitter person, and giving up hope on humanity, and losing my faith in those kind people, I will still take those chances and open my heart up; I will be a little more guarded about who I associate with.  

Taking A Compliment...

I know that I am guilty of not being able to take a compliment. I am working on it and not being obstinate when someone says something nice about me. I smile and thank them and I start to believe them most of all. I mean I know I am a nice person. It just really bothers me when I compliment someone and they most of the time say not really or not so much. I can understand having low self esteem but really, I have no reason to lie or embellish the truth to them. Then I start wondering, do they not trust me? I mean do they think I am up to something? Do they think I have some ulterior motive? Of course I don’t. I say nice things to people because I mean it. I like to make people feel good about their selves because I care about them. I wouldn’t make up something just because I could, if I tell you something about you then it is because I really think that about you.

I don’t understand why it is so hard to be able to take a compliment for some people. I wonder if it has to do with some kind of deep seeded thing that happened in the past that like makes them feel like someone said something nice to them and it ended up being the butt of a joke because they believed it and it really hurt them. I am not sure and I probably will never know the reason why. It is just annoying to me because I don’t like when people get down on themselves and say insulting things. Maybe I feel like they are dismissing my opinions of them. I know everyone has an opinion but really I wouldn’t lie about it. I guess some people just really think that way about their selves. I do understand that as someone who was in an abusive marriage and now still suffers with the emotional scars from my ex and the damage he did to my self esteem.

Maybe some do it for attention, fishing for compliments as it sometimes called. I mean everyone likes their ego stroked once in a while. You just have to learn to take a compliment. You might not completely believe it, but most people are not out to hurt you and some day hopefully see what it is that person sees in you and that you are really not an ugly ne’er-do-well after all.

E!'s New Show- Bridalplasty- America's New Self Esteem Killer!

I was watching E! tonight, Bruce Almighty was on. It is a great movie. I was watching the commercials and twice they showed an ad about a new show premiering tomorrow called Bridalplasty. The show is about a group of brides that leave their fiancee for four months and they compete and get plastic surgery and the winner gets a dream celebrity wedding. The winner has her new whatever she gets and shows her fiancee when he lifts up the veil. I am not sure if all the brides go under the knife or not. I am sorry but I think that is the dumbest most superficial show that I have ever heard of. I hope to get remarried some day. Who knows what the future might bring but I am telling you what, my future husband will love me for me. He will have to love all my flaws, because they are mine. I am not talking about my inner flaws I am talking about my outer appearance. My freckles, my imperfections that everyone has, after all, no one is perfect, say it with me now, no one is perfect. Everyone knows their flaws, they don’t need someone else pointing them out. I think that it gives people the wrong idea, the impressionable children, people that have self esteem issues. Actually, it is plain sick honestly.

I am ashamed to be in this society, where everyone obsesses over their appearance. Where kids are bullied because they look different, because they aren’t “perfect”, maybe they have a different body type. Some kids’ lives are made a living hell because of those things. It is crap TV like this that encourages bullies to pick on other kids because they are different. Those kids that are being bullied are someone’s daughter or son. There are quite a few adult bullies out there too. Some people call them grown up mean girls or mean boys. Their whole purpose in live is to make someone else feel like crap. It doesn’t end after you leave school. There are 30 and 40 year old women who make fun of people for no reason. They talk about them behind their backs and make them feel horrible. When someone says something hurtful it doesn’t matter if you are 8 years old or 48 years old. It still hurts. Sure, you deal with it in other ways, like ignoring it, but deep down it still hurts the same.

Last night I was watching Pauley Perrette’s YouTube videos, she was talking about bullying and how things get better, they really do. She said that she wore glasses and an eye patch in school and that she was picked on a lot. She said she was never mean to anyone. She is now an amazing actress on NCIS and instead of being spiteful; she is very humble about her life. She doesn’t pretend to put on this glamorous Hollywood lifestyle; she is just herself, very down to Earth.

I am a firm believer that everyone is beautiful. I always look for the good in people. I think to truly love someone is to be able to find them beautiful or handsome inside and out. To embrace their flaws and love them, we are all jigsaw puzzles some of our pieces are different than others but they make up who we are. We need to understand that what is to love is to love the whole person. Not the parts that we want, but each part the same. Learn to accept those flaws and erase them in our minds and hearts. You know, something could happen and someone’s beauty could disappear, but to people who love you, you will always be beautiful in their eyes and heart. God made each of us the way he wanted us to look. He made us all unique and put love and care in to molding us from lumps of clay in to the person we became. I would not want to say something God made was ugly. God does not make ugly things.

Here is What Has to Happen

This is part of three of What Happened to Me and Here’s What Happened be sure to catch up if you haven’t already.

So, what am I like now? I am very shy and quiet. I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Just ask Brandy, I drive her crazy I am sure dissecting everything down to the etymology of the word, maybe not that far, but close. I hate being this way. I don’t really smile much. I do when I am with my son, since I am a stay at home mom you would think that would mean always. I want to smile for other reasons though, not just because my son is being goofy or cute. I want to be back to who I was, who I am. I want to really bad.

Now, I have to figure out what I need to do. I need to let go. I am great at forgiving someone but not so great at forgetting and really forgiving myself. I am not sure why that is really. I have always had an excellent memory and I remember almost everything. I guess it goes back to being too hard on myself. I guess. I am way too hard on myself. I don’t know why. I just am. I guess I need to let myself go a little. Let my hair down and quit being a worrywart. I need to loosen up some and understand that it is ok to mess up and not know what is going to happen, or what might happen if this happens that would probably not happen. Worrying is hard work. If I spent less time worrying about silly stuff life would be so much better.

I was thinking while I was checking on my roasted pork I am cooking, that I am scared to post these posts because what if people think I am crazy. What if they don’t like me anymore? I stopped myself and was like who cares. What if…. What if….. Martians floated down in bubbles and stole our grass. I can’t worry about everything. It really is getting hard and taking a toll on my life. I need to leave the worrying to others or just not worry as much as I do. I worry about my friends and family too constantly. I worry about every little thing I can.

I am compulsive worrier. I am worrying about worrying too much right now. I think I am going to try and remove the words what if from my vocabulary and stop thinking about something that may or may not happen and be confident that what happens is what is meant to happen especially about things I have absolutely no control over what so ever.

I also have quite a bit of fear about some silly things. I guess that fear and worry go hand and hand. Fear is the mind killer. I really believe that. Fear can consume you just like worry or rage. I need to not fear. I need to trust in God that everything will be fine and just forget about it. I also need to realize that I can’t fix all the wrongs in this world by myself. I love that quote and I often find myself trying to fix things.

I have recently been reminded in life there are no guarantees. The only guarantee is death, which is the only thing you can count on eventually happening. In relationships I just have to let things happen the way they are supposed to happen and not push people away and not worry. I need to learn to trust, I do trust people but at the same time I don’t trust that what someone is saying is what they really mean and not that they have some ulterior motive. I just realized I am ultimately setting myself up for failure. It has become a routine thing where I almost make it fail. If you think you won’t succeed you won’t. It is all about the mindset you have. I will not expect to fail anymore. I will succeed and if I do fail than well whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

What Happened to Me?

So, I have been thinking a lot lately about myself now vs. who I was when I was say a teenager. Man I have changed a lot. I mean I am still that really sweet person I have always been with a huge heart but I am in fact different. I am not convinced it really is for the better either. I mean of course I am older and wiser but I have been through a lot of stuff that has in fact changed me. I know that life is constantly changing but seriously I miss the person I used to be. I used to be extremely outgoing. I was gutsy, not sure that is something I would do now, as I am a mom. So there goes my dream of being a hobo. Yes I really wanted to be a hobo when I was young. Hey, they had an awesome life traveling the rails singing songs around a campfire. I would talk to everyone and I wouldn’t care who it was or what they thought. I am in fact the same person that would act like a complete random dork in public. I have this memory of being in Jr high and at the pool with my old childhood best friend talking about our pancreases and telling people they needed to go to charter. Don’t ask long story not even I think I can remember it all.

I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I mean I guess I did maybe a little but not enough to stop me from having the time of my life. I laughed until I cried and cried till I laughed. I remember there would be times that I was really upset and then someone said something and I would start laughing really hard. I was always smiling to the point where I thought my face was going to freeze like that like after Botox. I have and had a huge heart, I must of inherited that from my Grandma Rose, never seen a big heart than hers.

I was carefree and young. I have really changed if you are going to change, I believe in changing for the better or the greater good. I changed for the worst. I was talking to my friend Brandy and I realized one night that I am broken. I realized that from reading a journal I had where people wrote nice things about you and your strengths. I still have it and I was reading all the letter people wrote and I was like woah. I remember being like that. Then I started thinking what happened? Where did I go? They wrote things like you are always smiling and so outgoing and you have such a flair for drama. Oh yes I loved to act. I was never good at it though. I had bad stage fright but I loved to pretend. You will never see my name up there in lights.

Then, something happened. Lots of something I suppose. I broke. There are many reasons why I broke. When did I care if someone liked me? When did I start caring what people think? When did it matter to me? When did I stop smiling all the time? I mean yes I still smile. My son is the best reason to smile but I am not super smile woman anymore. I miss that.

To read more of this post there will be a part 2 posted soon.