Insecurities

We all have our insecurities in life, in love and in ourselves.  I think that being insecure about ourselves make us human. If no one was insecure, it would mean that everyone was perfect, in that area of life. I am insecure; I have my reasons, just as you have yours.  My insecurities are a part of who I am, whenever I try really hard not to be insecure, it always proves that I was right and those are reasons to  be insecure, I know that I am a good person. I try to be a good person, but really after all I have been through, I am not sure why I remain that way.  I guess that is just who I am.  I don’t really like being insecure, but sometimes if you hear something long enough you start to believe it.  You know your shortcomings and your flaws in yourself.  You see flaws in others, but everyone in the end is not perfect.  So what if someone has issues, there has to be a reason for them. They don’t just wake up one morning and say I’m going to be insecure today.  I have had my flaws pointed out to me; of course I already knew what they were. I don’t think that you need to tell someone, something that is obvious to them. They know and they hurt over it. I know that I am far from perfect. I have never pretended that I am. I make mistakes often. I do things and say things I probably shouldn’t do.  I am human after all.

I love my friends because they can look past my flaws and I look past theirs and we love each other for who we are!

Sometimes You Just Have to Let Them Go.....

One of the hardest things is letting go. It is important to let go those that have hurt us repeatedly. Those people who do not have your best interest at heart, those that think of only themselves.  Unfortunately, I have a big heart. I say unfortunately because as I am aware it is a great thing, it is also a curse at the same time.  I look for the good in people as I have mentioned before, but sometimes you can’t find good in everyone. There are bad people in this world that want to hurt you, that don’t really care about you and it sucks.  Sometimes you just hit your complete breaking point and you have to just cut your losses, cut ties and hopefully learn something in the process.  Losing someone is never easy; you end up mourning the loss of a friendship or a loss of a relationship with a family member.  You go through a grieving period and it hurts. I will always care about those people, but my heart can’t take the pain that they caused. It is really hard for me to stop caring about someone.

 Sometimes I wonder if I gave too many chances, maybe I would see a difference, maybe they would change. The truth is you have to accept someone for who they are, not for what you see them to be. I really need to stop looking at a person’s potential and see them for what they really are. I guess I expect more in people, and when I find out I was wrong, I become disappointed in them.  I don’t expect much, I expect someone to be caring, compassionate, loving, and kind. It is so hard to know what kind of person someone is. You don’t want to push everyone away because people have hurt you in the past, but there is no way of really knowing.  It would be a lot easier if I had an eggdacator like in Willy Wonka, that would tell me if they were a bad egg or not.  If only I could line everyone up and have them step on the machine and see what happens.  If they were a bad egg, like Veruca Salt, down the garbage chute they would go.  I have learned there is not good in everyone. Something must have happened to make them this way.  Some people are just bitter jerks.  It has taken me a long time to learn this.

The worst feeling in the world is when you find out a family member is this way.  Especially when you have given your all to make things work, devoted so much time and energy to be there and when you find out who they really are, it is just like a slap in the face. Maybe I had hoped you changed, and it didn’t happen. There is just so much pain you can take before it eats you alive and you just can’t allow that person to hurt you anymore.  I guess you get to a point where the emotional pain is normal; it really messes with your other relationships and human dynamics.  Hope is a funny thing, it is good to have hope, but sometimes too much hope can distort your reality and make you hurt in the long run.  Some say you are in control of how you feel, and that you only allow someone make you feel a certain way, that is true, but there are a couple exceptions to the rules, one being when it comes to family. You spend your whole life looking up to someone, loving them, trying as hard as you can to have that relationship and bond with them and then one day you come to find out that they never cared and it was all a sham.  One of the quotes from Fools Rush In that I think about is “Love is a gift, not an obligation.” That basically means if it is a gift to love someone and be loved, not something you do because you have to.  I just feel like they were obligated and all those words and memories were a lie, because actions speak louder than words.

 I am not sure I can remember a time where I thought wow, he really loves me, I am sure there was one but it is just weird I can’t remember it.  I think that is the hardest truth to understand.  Now, it is time to let go of all of the pain and the hurt and the sorrow.  It’s time to live a happy life full of laughter and love, and put all that suffering behind me and leave those who have hurt me behind, no matter how hard that might be.  I am at peace with my decision, it probably is something I should have done a long time ago, but that little imp called Hope was playing a trick on me again. It’s good to hope, just don’t hope yourself in to a bad situation, see people for who they are, not what you potentially see in them, use caution and set a limit and once the limit exists be brave enough to just let them go.

I will instead of becoming a bitter person, and giving up hope on humanity, and losing my faith in those kind people, I will still take those chances and open my heart up; I will be a little more guarded about who I associate with.  

Taking A Compliment...

I know that I am guilty of not being able to take a compliment. I am working on it and not being obstinate when someone says something nice about me. I smile and thank them and I start to believe them most of all. I mean I know I am a nice person. It just really bothers me when I compliment someone and they most of the time say not really or not so much. I can understand having low self esteem but really, I have no reason to lie or embellish the truth to them. Then I start wondering, do they not trust me? I mean do they think I am up to something? Do they think I have some ulterior motive? Of course I don’t. I say nice things to people because I mean it. I like to make people feel good about their selves because I care about them. I wouldn’t make up something just because I could, if I tell you something about you then it is because I really think that about you.

I don’t understand why it is so hard to be able to take a compliment for some people. I wonder if it has to do with some kind of deep seeded thing that happened in the past that like makes them feel like someone said something nice to them and it ended up being the butt of a joke because they believed it and it really hurt them. I am not sure and I probably will never know the reason why. It is just annoying to me because I don’t like when people get down on themselves and say insulting things. Maybe I feel like they are dismissing my opinions of them. I know everyone has an opinion but really I wouldn’t lie about it. I guess some people just really think that way about their selves. I do understand that as someone who was in an abusive marriage and now still suffers with the emotional scars from my ex and the damage he did to my self esteem.

Maybe some do it for attention, fishing for compliments as it sometimes called. I mean everyone likes their ego stroked once in a while. You just have to learn to take a compliment. You might not completely believe it, but most people are not out to hurt you and some day hopefully see what it is that person sees in you and that you are really not an ugly ne’er-do-well after all.

I Feel Great and the Power of Positive Thinking

When I was in high school, my biology class went on a field trip. I am not still 100% sure the point of the field trip even now. I loved my biology teacher Mrs. Newman. She was an awesome teacher and I loved that class. We piled in a school bus and went to an educational building and started the workshop. I am sure you are thinking a biology field trip means looking at lab samples and learning under a microscope. This was not the case. I don’t remember the entire field trip but I do remember building things with gum drops and the speaker.

The speaker was a motivational speaker that taught us one phrase. “I feel great”. Those words mean a lot to me even now. He basically told us no matter how we are feeling when someone asks you are supposed to respond “I feel great.” If you tell others you feel great, it will make others feel good and if you keep telling yourself that you will start to feel great. It is the power of positive thinking. I will admit when I was a sophomore in high school I thought that it was kinda weird.

I mean we even got key chains shaped like a number 1 and that said I feel great as a reminder to feel great. Now being an adult I get it. You are how you feel. Only you can decide who you are and how you feel. If you feel good about yourself you will be more positive but if you are negative you will focus on negativity. It is pretty much common sense that I forget about on occasion. I am really hard on myself a lot of the time. I need to stop and remember I feel great because I am great. I know it is easier said than done but I need to try harder to feel great and through osmosis, others will feel great and I will too.

Do you have any tips or stories about positive thinking?

I'm Getting Contacts!

I have been wearing glasses since I was in 5th grade to see the board. I hated wearing glasses and didn’t wear them for about 5 years when I was in school. When I was an adult I decided it was important that I should wear them. I really had trouble watching TV and reading signs, so it was time I did something. I knew my vision wasn’t perfect. I wear glasses most of the time, I feel like I can’t really see without them. I can see just not far away too well. I recently decided that I want to get contact lenses. I have gorgeous eyes and my glasses hide them. I also think I look kind of weird in glasses. I am really excited about getting contacts although touching my eye is a little nerve racking for me. The eye doctor will make sure I know how to put them in and take them out a couple times before they send me on my way. I know quite a few people that wear contacts and have had them for years. It doesn’t look that hard to do. It might take some practice. Thankfully, I am not squeamish about touching my eye. I am looking forward to not having to wear glasses all the time. I am always afraid something will happen to my glasses. I also have an indentation on the bridge of my nose from them. I hate having the indentation on my nose because it looks weird. I occasionally fall asleep wearing my glasses which results in me laying on them or my glasses poking me. I think contacts would be the best solution.

Do you wear contacts? Do you have an Astigmatism? How long do yours last? I know there are daily ones, weekly ones. Any tips or tricks for me after I get them? I look forward to hearing your thoughts and suggestions!

Here is What Has to Happen

This is part of three of What Happened to Me and Here’s What Happened be sure to catch up if you haven’t already.

So, what am I like now? I am very shy and quiet. I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Just ask Brandy, I drive her crazy I am sure dissecting everything down to the etymology of the word, maybe not that far, but close. I hate being this way. I don’t really smile much. I do when I am with my son, since I am a stay at home mom you would think that would mean always. I want to smile for other reasons though, not just because my son is being goofy or cute. I want to be back to who I was, who I am. I want to really bad.

Now, I have to figure out what I need to do. I need to let go. I am great at forgiving someone but not so great at forgetting and really forgiving myself. I am not sure why that is really. I have always had an excellent memory and I remember almost everything. I guess it goes back to being too hard on myself. I guess. I am way too hard on myself. I don’t know why. I just am. I guess I need to let myself go a little. Let my hair down and quit being a worrywart. I need to loosen up some and understand that it is ok to mess up and not know what is going to happen, or what might happen if this happens that would probably not happen. Worrying is hard work. If I spent less time worrying about silly stuff life would be so much better.

I was thinking while I was checking on my roasted pork I am cooking, that I am scared to post these posts because what if people think I am crazy. What if they don’t like me anymore? I stopped myself and was like who cares. What if…. What if….. Martians floated down in bubbles and stole our grass. I can’t worry about everything. It really is getting hard and taking a toll on my life. I need to leave the worrying to others or just not worry as much as I do. I worry about my friends and family too constantly. I worry about every little thing I can.

I am compulsive worrier. I am worrying about worrying too much right now. I think I am going to try and remove the words what if from my vocabulary and stop thinking about something that may or may not happen and be confident that what happens is what is meant to happen especially about things I have absolutely no control over what so ever.

I also have quite a bit of fear about some silly things. I guess that fear and worry go hand and hand. Fear is the mind killer. I really believe that. Fear can consume you just like worry or rage. I need to not fear. I need to trust in God that everything will be fine and just forget about it. I also need to realize that I can’t fix all the wrongs in this world by myself. I love that quote and I often find myself trying to fix things.

I have recently been reminded in life there are no guarantees. The only guarantee is death, which is the only thing you can count on eventually happening. In relationships I just have to let things happen the way they are supposed to happen and not push people away and not worry. I need to learn to trust, I do trust people but at the same time I don’t trust that what someone is saying is what they really mean and not that they have some ulterior motive. I just realized I am ultimately setting myself up for failure. It has become a routine thing where I almost make it fail. If you think you won’t succeed you won’t. It is all about the mindset you have. I will not expect to fail anymore. I will succeed and if I do fail than well whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Here's What Happened

This is the continued post of What happened to me? If you haven’t check it out.

I guess it all started in high school. There was this guy named Matt. I can still see his face in my mind. Looking back it was like seriously, what was I thinking. Let me tell you about Matt. He was 18 and a bad boy. Of course he was attractive but he was bad guy like he had gotten kicked out of his parents house and was a nomad, his residence was under a bridge. I am not making that up. He was what you would call a hippi. I thought it was cool, but I was only 17 and very naïve and gutsy.

Well we started dated and I found out he was cheating on me. The nerve, the sadness. I was heartbroken. Now I am sure you are thinking that I wouldn’t possibly be broken over a guy from 12 years ago. That is where it all started. I mean I had my share of problems growing up of course, I just think this is where it all went downhill. I was still outgoing and gutsy. Maybe a little too gutsy if you ask me. Then you have my ex-husband which was just a real “gem”. I guess guys are part of my problems with really good reason. If you are told something over and over again you will start to believe it sooner or later. I was verbally and emotionally abused daily by my ex. My miscarriage left me dead inside. Then finding out my ex prayed for it killed me even more.

I have this complex that I call the “jerk” complex, it really doesn’t make real sense but it does to me. It is I guess a safety net. I am really trying to cut the strings of that net. It is silly. If I keep pushing people away of course they are gonna run for the hills. No one wants to be where they are unwanted. I know that all too well. I am getting better, I think. I mean I think I am. I am trying really hard not to push him away. It is weird. Maybe that I has something to do with the “choice” of men I have been attracted to. I find myself being attracted to jerks because they are jerks and if it is a guy who is not a jerk I have to be a jerk to make them a jerk. Yes you read that right. Clear as mud? I know it doesn’t make any sense. I guess it is a way to justify it if a relationship fails. The bottom line is I push people away. I know why I do it but it is personal way too much for my blog. Only a few people know why.

Another thing that broke me was when my grandma had Alzheimer’s Disease. I couldn’t deal with it. My grandma and I were so close and I didn’t really have any experience with it except when they would talk about it on a TV show. I tried to understand and I never really did. I missed my grandma when she was still alive. It was like her soul had gone up to heaven and her shell was still there. It was really hard. She remembered me most of the time but other times she was not my grandma. She was not her lovable self like a complete stranger. I don’t blame her because she had no control over it. It is definitely something that is hard for everyone involved. I never changed how I feel about her and love her with all my heart.

I had many toxic friends as well. I have removed all of them from my life. It is hard to remove toxic things from your life. I don’t know why all the toxic people were drawn to me. I am not toxic and I guess it is because my heart is really big and I forgive easily and love unconditionally. I had friends that would say really mean things to me and talk about me behind my back. One who even wrote a hateful letter to me and had a bunch of other people write mean things about me. What did I do? I forgave her. Even now I wish I wouldn’t of because that caused many more years of hurt and pain to me. She is gone now, which is a great thing.

Toxicity breeds Toxicity and it feeds off of you until you have nothing left, many toxic experiences and friends have broken me. Just like anything that is broken it can be fixed. I want to fix it. I am sick of feeling like this. It really sucks. You would think that all of these things would make me quit feeling, quit being so loving and sweet but they don't. My heart is too big and I just can't quit caring and turn totally bitter. It would be too much for me. I always say I am too sweet for my own good. My big heart is a blessing and a curse.

Stay tuned for part 3.

What Happened to Me?

So, I have been thinking a lot lately about myself now vs. who I was when I was say a teenager. Man I have changed a lot. I mean I am still that really sweet person I have always been with a huge heart but I am in fact different. I am not convinced it really is for the better either. I mean of course I am older and wiser but I have been through a lot of stuff that has in fact changed me. I know that life is constantly changing but seriously I miss the person I used to be. I used to be extremely outgoing. I was gutsy, not sure that is something I would do now, as I am a mom. So there goes my dream of being a hobo. Yes I really wanted to be a hobo when I was young. Hey, they had an awesome life traveling the rails singing songs around a campfire. I would talk to everyone and I wouldn’t care who it was or what they thought. I am in fact the same person that would act like a complete random dork in public. I have this memory of being in Jr high and at the pool with my old childhood best friend talking about our pancreases and telling people they needed to go to charter. Don’t ask long story not even I think I can remember it all.

I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I mean I guess I did maybe a little but not enough to stop me from having the time of my life. I laughed until I cried and cried till I laughed. I remember there would be times that I was really upset and then someone said something and I would start laughing really hard. I was always smiling to the point where I thought my face was going to freeze like that like after Botox. I have and had a huge heart, I must of inherited that from my Grandma Rose, never seen a big heart than hers.

I was carefree and young. I have really changed if you are going to change, I believe in changing for the better or the greater good. I changed for the worst. I was talking to my friend Brandy and I realized one night that I am broken. I realized that from reading a journal I had where people wrote nice things about you and your strengths. I still have it and I was reading all the letter people wrote and I was like woah. I remember being like that. Then I started thinking what happened? Where did I go? They wrote things like you are always smiling and so outgoing and you have such a flair for drama. Oh yes I loved to act. I was never good at it though. I had bad stage fright but I loved to pretend. You will never see my name up there in lights.

Then, something happened. Lots of something I suppose. I broke. There are many reasons why I broke. When did I care if someone liked me? When did I start caring what people think? When did it matter to me? When did I stop smiling all the time? I mean yes I still smile. My son is the best reason to smile but I am not super smile woman anymore. I miss that.

To read more of this post there will be a part 2 posted soon.