Here is What Has to Happen

This is part of three of What Happened to Me and Here’s What Happened be sure to catch up if you haven’t already.

So, what am I like now? I am very shy and quiet. I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Just ask Brandy, I drive her crazy I am sure dissecting everything down to the etymology of the word, maybe not that far, but close. I hate being this way. I don’t really smile much. I do when I am with my son, since I am a stay at home mom you would think that would mean always. I want to smile for other reasons though, not just because my son is being goofy or cute. I want to be back to who I was, who I am. I want to really bad.

Now, I have to figure out what I need to do. I need to let go. I am great at forgiving someone but not so great at forgetting and really forgiving myself. I am not sure why that is really. I have always had an excellent memory and I remember almost everything. I guess it goes back to being too hard on myself. I guess. I am way too hard on myself. I don’t know why. I just am. I guess I need to let myself go a little. Let my hair down and quit being a worrywart. I need to loosen up some and understand that it is ok to mess up and not know what is going to happen, or what might happen if this happens that would probably not happen. Worrying is hard work. If I spent less time worrying about silly stuff life would be so much better.

I was thinking while I was checking on my roasted pork I am cooking, that I am scared to post these posts because what if people think I am crazy. What if they don’t like me anymore? I stopped myself and was like who cares. What if…. What if….. Martians floated down in bubbles and stole our grass. I can’t worry about everything. It really is getting hard and taking a toll on my life. I need to leave the worrying to others or just not worry as much as I do. I worry about my friends and family too constantly. I worry about every little thing I can.

I am compulsive worrier. I am worrying about worrying too much right now. I think I am going to try and remove the words what if from my vocabulary and stop thinking about something that may or may not happen and be confident that what happens is what is meant to happen especially about things I have absolutely no control over what so ever.

I also have quite a bit of fear about some silly things. I guess that fear and worry go hand and hand. Fear is the mind killer. I really believe that. Fear can consume you just like worry or rage. I need to not fear. I need to trust in God that everything will be fine and just forget about it. I also need to realize that I can’t fix all the wrongs in this world by myself. I love that quote and I often find myself trying to fix things.

I have recently been reminded in life there are no guarantees. The only guarantee is death, which is the only thing you can count on eventually happening. In relationships I just have to let things happen the way they are supposed to happen and not push people away and not worry. I need to learn to trust, I do trust people but at the same time I don’t trust that what someone is saying is what they really mean and not that they have some ulterior motive. I just realized I am ultimately setting myself up for failure. It has become a routine thing where I almost make it fail. If you think you won’t succeed you won’t. It is all about the mindset you have. I will not expect to fail anymore. I will succeed and if I do fail than well whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

What Happened to Me?

So, I have been thinking a lot lately about myself now vs. who I was when I was say a teenager. Man I have changed a lot. I mean I am still that really sweet person I have always been with a huge heart but I am in fact different. I am not convinced it really is for the better either. I mean of course I am older and wiser but I have been through a lot of stuff that has in fact changed me. I know that life is constantly changing but seriously I miss the person I used to be. I used to be extremely outgoing. I was gutsy, not sure that is something I would do now, as I am a mom. So there goes my dream of being a hobo. Yes I really wanted to be a hobo when I was young. Hey, they had an awesome life traveling the rails singing songs around a campfire. I would talk to everyone and I wouldn’t care who it was or what they thought. I am in fact the same person that would act like a complete random dork in public. I have this memory of being in Jr high and at the pool with my old childhood best friend talking about our pancreases and telling people they needed to go to charter. Don’t ask long story not even I think I can remember it all.

I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I mean I guess I did maybe a little but not enough to stop me from having the time of my life. I laughed until I cried and cried till I laughed. I remember there would be times that I was really upset and then someone said something and I would start laughing really hard. I was always smiling to the point where I thought my face was going to freeze like that like after Botox. I have and had a huge heart, I must of inherited that from my Grandma Rose, never seen a big heart than hers.

I was carefree and young. I have really changed if you are going to change, I believe in changing for the better or the greater good. I changed for the worst. I was talking to my friend Brandy and I realized one night that I am broken. I realized that from reading a journal I had where people wrote nice things about you and your strengths. I still have it and I was reading all the letter people wrote and I was like woah. I remember being like that. Then I started thinking what happened? Where did I go? They wrote things like you are always smiling and so outgoing and you have such a flair for drama. Oh yes I loved to act. I was never good at it though. I had bad stage fright but I loved to pretend. You will never see my name up there in lights.

Then, something happened. Lots of something I suppose. I broke. There are many reasons why I broke. When did I care if someone liked me? When did I start caring what people think? When did it matter to me? When did I stop smiling all the time? I mean yes I still smile. My son is the best reason to smile but I am not super smile woman anymore. I miss that.

To read more of this post there will be a part 2 posted soon.