Don't Sexually Harass Me!

I wrote about sexual harassment several years ago about a man named Bob. I felt like it was time to talk about it again. This time I will not be telling you a story about a person I knew. However I will be sharing with you my thoughts and feelings about sexual harassment. First, sexual harassment is not funny. You don't make sexual comments about any person unless it's a significant other with their permission. If you wouldn't say it to your parent or grandparents, do not say it to someone else. It's rude. It's disrespectful and it's wrong. I don't care what your beliefs are, you should respect others at all times.

Secondly, it’s not a joke. I don't think anyone would like it if their parent or adult child would have that said to them. Most of us are parents. I am someone's mom. I am a daughter. It's not a compliment. No one likes to feel like a piece of meat. No one likes to have comments made about them like that. It doesn't make people feel good or feel attractive. They don't like the attention. They are mortified. They want to disappear.  They want you to stop. People are not put on this Earth to be treated like crap. By sexualizing a person you are robbing them of their dignity and self-worth. Every time you make a comment you are stealing a piece of their self-esteem. After a while there's nothing left.  You are a sexual predator. It's worse when the person who does this is married. It gives a whole new layer of how wrong it is. Sexual harassment is not just a single thing. It's not a married thing, it's not a man thing. It's not a woman thing. It's not a particular race or age or anything thing. It's a creep thing. It's someone who feels bad about themselves that they have to sexually harass someone to make themselves feel desirable. We need to take a stand and not put up with it anymore. It's not cool.

I am upset that if you do this in the workplace it's illegal. I totally believe it should be, please understand this but if someone makes a lewd gesture or says something sexual it's not really a crime. It could eventually become harassment at some point by law. I do understand that the jails would be overcrowded with these offenders so it would be really tough. It doesn't matter what a person looks like, how their body looks, if they have big breasts or whatever they may have. They aren't open for sexual comments and gestures. Some women have bigger breasts or bottoms than others. Some can't help that. It doesn't matter what they are wearing, it's not an invitation for you to comment or stare. I think that some guys are misinformed about women. No we don't want to be talked to like that. We are not objects for you to lust over. Thankfully, there are men out there that don't do this. There are great men who value women. I am not sure how a parent allows their adult child to treat another person like that. If my son did it, he would be in big trouble. I wouldn't care if he was 45 and I was in my sixties. It won't happen. I'm not blaming their parents of course. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I notice this a lot on dating sites. Of course you may not find the crème de la crème of men or women on there. If you’re a single parent who works from home you don't go out a lot. You look for conversation about grown up things. You can only talk about Star Wars and Minecraft for so long. You want to talk about other things. Even if you have no interest in becoming romantically involved you still deserve respect. I believe when you make unwanted sexual advances towards someone you are abusing them. You make them feel bad about themselves. You make them feel sad and useless. You can almost break their spirits. It doesn't matter if it's a stranger or if it's a person you have known for years. Some ask for sexual favors in exchange for favors. That’s not OK. Even if you are claiming you are just joking. It’s wrong. I was always taught that you do favors for people because you want to help them. You don’t do them to get something in return. You don’t do them to benefit. Especially when someone genuinely needs help.  You are not owed something to help someone. Even if you feel that you are, it shouldn’t be sexual. If we all kept track of all the nice things we ever did to others, we would be owed a lot. Give to Give. Help to Help. To play devil’s advocate, the person might be lonely. They may have a hard home life. They may just want to feel desired or wanted. Making sexual advances is not the way to do that. Work out your problems with your significant other, go to counseling or end your relationship.  Please don’t look elsewhere and make someone else feel bad. I know misery loves company but no one wants to share in that.  

There's also those who use people by leading them on. They have no interest in having a relationship with the other person. They get what they want through lies and empty promises. It's hard to accept when that is happening especially when they are feeding you everything you wanna hear. Those are the people who prey on those who were abused and maybe have low self-worth.  It goes back to the anything is better than nothing theory. I can tell you and promise you that it's not. It's not better. I promise its worse. Loneliness sucks badly. It's better to be lonely than have the person who you think loves you lying to you and using you.

You have the right to be loved. You have the right to hold your head high. You have the right to feel good about yourself. You are not a piece of meat. You are not defined by how many people you have been with or the choices you made in the past. You are beautiful and amazing. Anyone who thinks otherwise, well that's their problem.

I sincerely hope that this post gives someone the strength to stand up and say enough is enough.

Ten things you should never do on an online dating site

Since everyone is online and in social networking, some people look for love online. For whatever reason you decide to join whether it's because you are new to the area or work a lot there are things you should know not to do. This is geared more to my male readers, but good tips for anyone to know that isn't ok. These are in no particular order.

10. Most people are not ready to meet someone within just moments of a first message. Don't ask them out right away. Get to know someone first.  Slow and steady wins the race.

9. Don't rely on physical appearance. Don't just choose someone because they look pretty or handsome. That is kind of superficial. Personality is the most important thing.

8. Don't ask someone if they think you are attractive. It looks like you are just looking for compliments or validation. Everyone wants to be loved but you need to love yourself. Don't rely on someone else's opinion to base your self worth.

7. Don't ask for someone's number to text or talk on the phone right away. I understand that texts are instant and logging in to the site can be annoying, but at the same time it helps control when and who you talk to. Sometimes you don't feel the same way about someone you talk to and they will text you a million times. Sometimes you are called names so better to make sure this is a controlled environment. 

6. Everyone likes compliments, but be mindful of how you compliment them. Being told that you are attractive, smart, funny or have a great personality is awesome. Stay away from commenting on their body or certain parts. It is rude and inappropriate. Make respectful compliments.

  5. Don't ask for naked pictures. Don't send them of yourself. If you wouldn't send the picture to your mom or grandma, don't send it to some stranger on a dating site. Don't use graphic language.

4.  Don't message someone over and over asking where they went if they don't respond instantly. People get busy with life and log out and it may take a few days to respond to you. Be patient.

3. Don't assume every person is the one. Become friends first, not everyone is going to be a love connection. There is a reason why Chuck Woolry had three dates on Love Connection. Even then not every time there was a match.

2. Don't be boring. Put thought in to what you write. Even if that means you take a while to respond. Read it, take a while to formulate your response and don't be too personal. Don't ask them to ask you questions.

1. No means no. Don't pressure someone or nag them to do something they don't want to do or don't feel comfortable with.

I know most of this is common sense but I thought that I would make this list. These are very common things I have noticed being on dating sites.

What tips would you add to not do on a dating site?

Dating Single Mom Style

Being a single mom can be very hard. It of course has its advantages and disadvantages. The advantages are way more important than the disadvantages of course. When you are divorced with a child or a single mom you have the urge to want to date. I am only thirty one and I would love to have a bunch more children. Some moms decide not to date or have no desire to be in a relationship again, but I am not in that group. I am however not really in any rush to do so. I know my biological clock is ticking and for someone who wants many more children, it is a little unnerving. I am however a mom. That doesn't mean that my needs aren't important. It means my son's needs are most important.  I am actually pretty nervous about dating anyone. I have set two important rules however.

The first rule is I have to be very serious with a guy before they meet Noah. We will have to be together a long time. He is my life and I don't want him getting attached unless it is the real deal. I don't want to be someone who brings a lot of relationships around my son. I don't want to be like this is my friend so and so, unless they are just a friend. I don't want him to bond with some random person who he may or may not see again. It's too confusing and hard for him.

My second rule is and I won't tell Noah he has this power, but if Noah doesn't like the guy, I won't per sue things further. I don't ever want to be with someone my son doesn't like. I don't want to be under the impression that things will get better and he will eventually like the guy. Kids are great judge of character, in my opinion. I am really  good at reading Noah and I know the difference between when he is genuine and when he is just being a grump.

I am nervous about dating someone because you never know who they are. I will totally Google the heck out of you, search court records, and find out whatever I can about the guy, before the first date. I  am not paranoid or crazy, but I don't live in some fairy tale world that thinks that bad people don't exist. I know that they do unfortunately. I will be well informed about who this person is. I will also trust my gut and know that if I feels like something isn't right, then it probably isn't. Women's intuition is important.

I am not really in any hurry. I definitely don't want to rush anything. I am fine with meeting someone and just talking for a long time before anything happens. I am more in to taking the time to making the right decision and going slow.  I want to make sure it is worth it vs. just jumping in and taking the risk and seeing what happens.  It's funny how when you are a parent, you change your thinking about everything.

When you are ready to meet a guy you should dress up nicely and don't forget to accessorize.

Learning from the Past

I believe that every relationship and friendship is a learning experience.  No matter if you were friends when you were young or if it only lasted a brief time.  Single serving friends can also be a learning experience.  You not only learn about someone else but you also learn about yourself.  I don’t believe in chance meetings, I believe that you are meant to meet the people you do.  I have had a few experiences where there were times I was in the same place many times with a person and hadn’t met them until it was the right time.  I thought about how many times our paths crossed in life and it was only by weird circumstances we actually met and became friends.

I want to share with you guys some things I have learned recently.  I was in a relationship with this guy; his name is changed for privacy reasons, in case he reads this. I will call him Rupert, because I always make Fight Club references in my posts and I already made one in the first paragraph.  Rupert is a nice guy. We had an odd but interesting relationship. He made me laugh so hard, I probably was snorting most of the time. We sang together. I could be a total dork and be myself with him. I was a total airhead sometimes. I would send him chip pictures that looked like animals. I was completely comfortable with him.  I just felt like he was so amazing and I did my normal thing by pushing him away. I did the whole jealous thing once.  I told him about my issues but at the same time, I failed at stopping doing it.  I finally realized that my problem was that I love whole heartedly but at the same time I didn’t know how to be loved.  I didn’t know how to relinquish control and just let myself be loved. I guess my heart had been guarded for so long that I wasn’t able to let go enough. That moment was a total epiphany.  I learned how to let a guy love me. I know that sounds completely ridiculous but at the same time, it made sense.  I feel like guys have loved me before, but not completely.  From that moment I stopped pushing him away.  I just was drunk in his love and it was amazing.

I also learned from Rupert was that it is ok to be a total complete dork and that they will love you anyways. I am prone to airhead moments. I wish I could remember what they were because they were so funny.  From the beginning I wasn’t afraid to be total self. Everyone in the beginning of a relationship wears a mask or hides something it seems like. I threw all my cards on the table. I had never done that before. I just felt a connection to him.  He was a dork like me and it worked. I could talk to him about the silliest things for hours and never have one of those moments of I want to stop talking and do something else.  It was weird but amazing. I couldn’t wait to talk to him every day.  Just felt so good and so right.

I learned that it was ok to trust someone and that not everyone is out there to hurt someone.  I learned that nice guys exist and not just in my family.  They are out there but they are rare.  I felt like a queen with him. I remember we were going to dinner and he remembered that my favorite food is Japanese. So, he looked in his GPS for a Japanese restaurant. We got lost and ended up at a Chinese place and I suggested we go to Panera since it was right there, he wouldn’t have it.  So, we kept driving to a Japanese restaurant.  I also learned I was a bad fibber. He always knew what was wrong even when I said nothing.  I know that I can’t lie if my life depended on it, but he could read me like a book. We finished each other’s sentences.   We definitely had a great time together. He was so kind and caring.  I had a really nasty cold and he is an RT and so he offered to listen to my breathing and see if I needed a breathing treatment.  Either he wanted to make sure I was ok or wanted to torture me by jamming a breathing tube down my 

throat, kidding of course.

We had our share of arguments too though. I think they came from misunderstandings and issues we both had. We were always able to forgive each other. It wasn’t serious stuff. Most of them were ridiculous things.  Both of us being divorced and heartbroken before caused extra things that were not really worth an argument for, usually my insecurities were the blame.  I learned to be more secure in who I am and that it is perfectly fine to be a dork.  I am not saying I am totally comfortable in my skin but I am a lot more comfortable than I was 6 or 7 months ago.  Life is always a work in progress. I am continuing to work on breaking out of my shell and not worrying so much. I am a worrier by nature, I always have been. I have spent a lot of time worrying about ridiculous things.  You can spend all day thinking about what if’s and miss out on moments in life.

I also learned that I am not a morning person. I already knew that though.  I am one of those people when I wake up I will probably wave at you instead of saying good morning until I am able to wake up some. I don’t like to be teased in the morning, and I was rude and I felt so bad about it and it was not ok. I am working on becoming a morning person.  I will never be perky in the morning but I am working on my decorum and learning to accept light morning teasing and my morning sarcasm.

I am listening to music and I will Remember You by Sarah McLaughlin came on, I love this song. It was my sister’s graduation song so I have been listening to this song for a long time.  One of the lyrics is, “So afraid to love you more afraid to lose clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose. Once there was darkness deep in this night you gave me everything you had oh you gave me light”.  I feel like this song explains it.  I feel like the things I have learned from Rupert, totally changed my life and how I think and feel.  I thank him for these important lessons I have learned.  Even though we are no longer together, I am very grateful that we were at some point and I was able to learn some of the most important life lessons from him.