Amy Lea, Who are you?

I have a pretty common maiden name. So common that my mom’s best friend happens to have the same last name as my mom does. I used to baby sit for her son and I would use her as a reference. I always had to put no relation in parenthesis. So, they would know I wasn’t giving a family member as a reference. They even team taught together so it I am sure got a little confusing as they worked together at more than one school. I have known her for many years. I was used to knowing a lot of people that I wasn’t related to with my same last name. It was nothing new for me. Until that day……

I was probably a freshman in high school, maybe it started before that, but I would get the mail, there it was. A sorority newsletter for a woman named Amy Lea and my last name. I was like oh they must have had a mix up at the post office, no it was my address. So I did what any good citizen would have done and wrote return to sender on it. It wasn’t a bill or anything but I didn’t want this woman’s sorority newsletter because no one by that name lived there. I didn’t even know the woman. I thought nothing of it and until we received another one a while later. I did the same old return to sender hoping that they would get the hint. Nope. We kept getting them. We started writing No one at this address, wrong address and then eventually we moved. We thought OK hopefully they got the idea that the Amy Lea from their sorority does not live here and the new neighbors can figure out what to do with her sorority newsletters, and letters because return to sender was not working.

Once we were in our new home we were finally relieved to be set free of the Anchora mailings for Ms. Amy Lea. Until, I got the mail and I saw the envelope and it addressed to Amy Lea. I wrote return to sender again. I even told the mailman this person does not and has never lived here. I have no clue who she is. Then it was time for their mailings, once again, there was Amy Lea in my mail box. I think by this time my mom called the sorority and said we keep getting this persons letters and newsletters from you. Please stop sending them you have the wrong addresses. She did it politely of course. The letters and newsletters stopped. We used to make jokes about which of us was really Amy Lea. I was afraid that I would see that envelope or newsletter waiting for me when I opened my mailbox every time I got the mail. Well by this time we moved again.

I remember getting the mail and the first time I saw another letter or newsletter from the Sorority I said Oh no Mom she’s back! It wasn’t like we were getting this woman’s mail. We were not getting anything of hers other than the sorority mailings. It would be completely different if we were getting her bills and other letters. We did the whole return to sender, calling, writing she doesn’t live here thing again. I think I even tried finding an email address for the sorority. This time it didn’t stop. We just kept sending them back over and over again.

We moved a couple more times, and each time the letters would come. It was like the sorority was stalking us. It wasn’t a forwarded envelope, it was just a typed envelope. We did not know Amy Lea. I think we looked for her in the phone book, and didn’t find one. It was just the strangest thing. When we moved to Florida, the sorority found us there too and the Amy Lea letters and newsletters kept coming. None of our names are close to Amy, we have no Amy’s in our family, not even anything that could be remotely close to Amy. We had done everything short of getting a restraining order against the sorority.

We haven’t received one in a long time, I am scared that tomorrow, when I get the mail, it will be there waiting for me…….

This time if it happens, I will find them, and tell them to kindly knock it off, they have been harassing me through the mail for the last fourteen years.

Do You Celebrate Half Birthdays?

Do you celebrate half birthdays? When I was younger my family celebrated mine and my sister’s half birthdays. We would each get a present from our mom on our half birthdays. Well, I would usually get mine the day before or after because my half birthday is February 29th. Since most years don’t have that date that is how we celebrated. The only reason that we “celebrated” them was because my sister’s birthday was really close to my half birthday and vice versa. It was a reason for us to each get a present around each others birthday. I know a lot of people don’t do this and the other child or children get nothing on or in this case around their sibling’s birthday. That is perfectly fine of course. Each family does things differently. We never had a full blown party or cake or anything just a gift. My grandparents even gave us each a present as well.

I decided to continue the tradition with Noah. He doesn’t have any siblings, so I am not sure why I decided to do this. I am very big on traditions and I just thought he would enjoy it. I am trying to explain to him what a half birthday is and how we celebrate it. There is no party, no cakes, no streamers, just a present. I bought him this triple plane set for his half birthday and it was pretty expensive. I was planning on only spending ten dollars on his gift and I ended up spending thirty dollars. The funny thing is he really wanted something else before he saw what he ended up getting. The first thing was 18 or 19 dollars and I didn’t want to spend that much and I ended up getting something almost twice as much! I thought about going out for ice cream because Baskin-Robbins sends you a coupon for a free scoop on your half birthday and I had one too. I thought about using our coupons, but it is way too cold to go out for ice cream.

Does your family celebrate half birthdays? If you do what do you do for them?

I Belive in Miracles...Do you?

Miracles happen every day. I am a firm believer of miracles, not because I have heard about them on the news or from a friend of a friend but because I have witnessed them with my own eyes. I want to tell you about a couple miracles in hopes that you will believe in them too.

My ex-husband’s aunt, who was like another mother to me, is an amazing woman. I would talk to her for hours on the phone with, she always had a hug waiting for me. She was truly inspirational. She and her husband Mike had a houseboat. We spent part of our honeymoon on the houseboat with them. A couple months later was the annual family houseboat trip and we all had a great time until my ex’s cousins decided to go water skiing. We stayed on the houseboat because we didn’t really have the desire to go. The weather started to turn nasty. We were playing cards with his cousin and his cousins girl friend, all the sudden his uncle showed up and was yelling where is my cell phone someone call 911. My ex’s aunt was struck by lightning while on the speed boat. We had no idea what was going to happen. We didn’t know if she was going to make it. She was transported to a hospital by helicopter and stayed in the hospital for two weeks. She lived through being struck by lightning. The only damage to her was a spot of burnt hair where the lightning exited her body. If that is not a miracle, I don’t know what is.

When I had my miscarriage I had to have a d and c because my body thought I was still pregnant, even though my baby had passed away from the septum. The doctor noticed that I had a septum in my uterus. The doctor made the decision to try and remove it during my d and c. I started bleeding really bad so he stopped and my blood pressure was really low. They were talking about blood transfusion and everyone was really scared. It was supposed to be a couple hour hospital stay turned in to a 36 hour stay. I was really out of it. I remember my pastor John anointing me and my blood pressure started rising and the bleeding stopped. I remember only a few things from that night, that being one of them.

I do believe in miracles, I do believe that God can perform miracles. I think a miracle can happen to anyone who believes.

Photos and Prompts Day 1 About me!

Here is a photo of me in my pajamas. The reason I am in my pajamas is because, I love to wear my comfy pajamas and I also love Victoria’s Secret. So, I thought this picture would be very appropriate.

Here are 10 facts about me:

1. I have a fascination with Serial Killers. I love learning about them. But I hate scary movies and get really scared really easily.

2. When I was 7 I stepped on a needle and had to get it removed by getting surgery. My sister spilled her sewing basket all over the floor and missed a needle.

3. I am the baby in the family. I have an older sister. I am also the youngest grandchild on my mom’s side.

4. I have had the same two cats that I got the summer before I was in the 6th grade when they were 6 weeks old. They are named Lucy and Lexy.

5. When my grandma first had Alzheimer’s disease, I took care of her and moved in with her. Later she moved in with us later on where I took care of her again.

6. I know most of Billy Joel’s, Carly Simon’s and Simon and Garfunkel’s songs by heart because we used to sing them on family car trips.

7. When I was 5 years old, I thought that I could go home with my cousins that lived in Texas in my Humpty Dumpty toy box.

8. Certain movies make me cry like My Girl. It doesn’t matter how many times I see it, I still cry, it never fails.

9. I love the British show Absolutely Fabulous and recently bought the Absolutely Everything DVD set.

10. I have a really bad habit of buying DVD’s I have never seen and never watching them. I have had Fatal Attraction since 2007 and I still haven’t watched it for example.




I am participating in 31 Days of Photos and Prompts started by It’s Gravy Baby. To check out the list and play along please visit her website. There is also a linky in on her blog to link up to all the other blogs participating.

E!'s New Show- Bridalplasty- America's New Self Esteem Killer!

I was watching E! tonight, Bruce Almighty was on. It is a great movie. I was watching the commercials and twice they showed an ad about a new show premiering tomorrow called Bridalplasty. The show is about a group of brides that leave their fiancee for four months and they compete and get plastic surgery and the winner gets a dream celebrity wedding. The winner has her new whatever she gets and shows her fiancee when he lifts up the veil. I am not sure if all the brides go under the knife or not. I am sorry but I think that is the dumbest most superficial show that I have ever heard of. I hope to get remarried some day. Who knows what the future might bring but I am telling you what, my future husband will love me for me. He will have to love all my flaws, because they are mine. I am not talking about my inner flaws I am talking about my outer appearance. My freckles, my imperfections that everyone has, after all, no one is perfect, say it with me now, no one is perfect. Everyone knows their flaws, they don’t need someone else pointing them out. I think that it gives people the wrong idea, the impressionable children, people that have self esteem issues. Actually, it is plain sick honestly.

I am ashamed to be in this society, where everyone obsesses over their appearance. Where kids are bullied because they look different, because they aren’t “perfect”, maybe they have a different body type. Some kids’ lives are made a living hell because of those things. It is crap TV like this that encourages bullies to pick on other kids because they are different. Those kids that are being bullied are someone’s daughter or son. There are quite a few adult bullies out there too. Some people call them grown up mean girls or mean boys. Their whole purpose in live is to make someone else feel like crap. It doesn’t end after you leave school. There are 30 and 40 year old women who make fun of people for no reason. They talk about them behind their backs and make them feel horrible. When someone says something hurtful it doesn’t matter if you are 8 years old or 48 years old. It still hurts. Sure, you deal with it in other ways, like ignoring it, but deep down it still hurts the same.

Last night I was watching Pauley Perrette’s YouTube videos, she was talking about bullying and how things get better, they really do. She said that she wore glasses and an eye patch in school and that she was picked on a lot. She said she was never mean to anyone. She is now an amazing actress on NCIS and instead of being spiteful; she is very humble about her life. She doesn’t pretend to put on this glamorous Hollywood lifestyle; she is just herself, very down to Earth.

I am a firm believer that everyone is beautiful. I always look for the good in people. I think to truly love someone is to be able to find them beautiful or handsome inside and out. To embrace their flaws and love them, we are all jigsaw puzzles some of our pieces are different than others but they make up who we are. We need to understand that what is to love is to love the whole person. Not the parts that we want, but each part the same. Learn to accept those flaws and erase them in our minds and hearts. You know, something could happen and someone’s beauty could disappear, but to people who love you, you will always be beautiful in their eyes and heart. God made each of us the way he wanted us to look. He made us all unique and put love and care in to molding us from lumps of clay in to the person we became. I would not want to say something God made was ugly. God does not make ugly things.

No, I Will NOT Be Facebook Friends with You!

I have been thinking about high school or school in general. It has been 10 years since I was in school and really, not sure how it came up in my head but it just did. There are some pretty random thoughts in my head sometimes so why not blog about them. Two different things came to mind. The first one has to do with Facebook. It seems like almost everyone is on Facebook now. I like it, it is a great way to talk to family that I would normally not talk to. Not, because I don’t like them but because it is so easy to do on Facebook. I am sure I am not the first or the last to think about this but why do people add other people just because they went to school with them or they “knew” them in school. I can totally understand if it is like an old friend you lost contact with. That makes sense. I find it weird that people add people that they weren’t friends with or worse, people they never got a long with. That they hated for some stupid reason. I am all for putting the past behind me and not holding a grudge but really? I don’t really see the point. It definitely seems pretty hinky to me.

I don’t sit up late at night and wonder why so and so didn’t like me, but on the other hand I don’t search them out and friend them on Facebook, in hopes of some magical reunion to work out “our differences” from over 10 years ago. I guess if those people want to be “friends” with someone on Facebook more power to them. For example there is this girl I went to school with I will call her Bobby Sue for privacy reasons who added me as a friend on Facebook. I didn’t accept her request, for a few reasons. One being we were never friends and I couldn’t stand her. Now she just makes my skin crawl and I have no interest what so ever having anything to do with her. She makes my skin crawl because she worked at a brothel for a few years. I don’t want someone like that around my family or in my life. I have no desire to be “Facebook Friends” with someone I didn’t really talk to or wasn’t really friends with. I would much rather put it in my past and not deal with that person again. I totally understand that people change and all that but why even open up that potential Pandora’s Box?

It also leads to talking about being in school again and inquiring about or gossiping about other people. Things I rather not do with someone I wasn’t friends with in the first place. See, no matter how much you think someone has changed or how hard they convince you that catty high school girl comes back out. Of course I don’t mean everyone but more often than not it does. I am not sure if it is because you stir up old memories or feelings about then or what, but it happens. I’ll pass on being involved in all of that. I am not trying to sound like a cynic and I am sure some differences and new found friendships have blossomed on Facebook, it is just not for me.

Do you have any insights in to this? I look forward to hearing from my readers.

The Camping Music Fans

There are a few campgrounds in my area, not because I live by a national park or even a state park but because there is a music center close by. In the summer I see many camping tents at the local camp ground, which really is someone’s yard with port-o-potties. There are probably three trees not what you think of when you think of people camping out. I assume they make great money by charging people to camp there. They have tried to sell it many times but I am sure the insurance is really expensive on the campground. Most of the time I only know who is playing by what is written on the welcome sign.

I often wonder what goes on at night after the concert is over, and there are all those people with their camping gear. I am assuming it would be kind of scary because you have no idea how drunk these strangers are what kind of drugs they are on, and what kind of life they lead. I am sure it is one big party but, I don’t think you could pay me enough to spend one night there during a Phish concert which seems to be one of their busiest weekends.

I am curious what the owners must be like. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the immoral activity taking place on my property if I owned it. I am pretty sure there is illegal drug use at the campground too. I wouldn’t be able to turn the other cheek; I would feel like I had an obligation to not allow that kind of behavior and I probably wouldn’t be very successful in the campground rental business.

Have you ever camped out after a concert? What did you think of your experience? If you haven’t would you put yourself in the situation?

Shopping for Noah

Since Noah turned 4 I have been thinking about getting him some new furniture for his room. There are so many cute things they have for kids furniture. They have little recliners that are the perfect size for our little ones. I think it would be really cute if Noah and I had matching chairs to sit in. He likes to sit on our recliner but it is kind of big and he used to have trouble climbing up and down. Now he is a monkey and climbs on everything. I am one of those moms who think small versions of things are adorable. I would love for him to have some stuff like that. He has a little soft chair but honestly it is not the best thing to sit on because the sides are attached with just Velcro. He occasionally will slide off the chair if he sits on it the wrong way, which worries me. I would also like to get sturdy furniture for him that isn’t too heavy that it could hurt him but not flimsy enough that Noah could break it with normal use or worse tip over hurting my little boy.

Another thing I have started doing now that he is four is finding me going in to the toy section at the store and looking at educational toys. I think that is part of being a teacher’s child. I have always been taught that education is very important. I want him to learn with every experience that he has. I am not someone who is very strict that he can’t play with pointless loud toys either. I find that somehow Noah is very creative that he uses the toys that you would think are not educational and finds a way to learn from them. He is always trying to figure out how things work. I remember when he was a baby he would examine things and try and figure out how to take them apart. He would turn his stroller upside down and get under it like he was working on it. He definitely gets that from my Grandpa Jim who was a diesel mechanic and was always working on something. It makes me smile so big when he does things like that because it reminds me of my grandpa and how he would examine things and was always thinking just like Noah does now.

Is It Just an Urban Legend?

I love learning about Urban Legends. I am not exactly sure when I learned about them. I remember I would spend hours reading about them online. I think they are so interesting. It becomes like a giant game of telephone. I am sure you remember playing telephone where you tell someone something and by the time it gets passed down it has changed. They also play in to our worst fears that these things can happen. They have been around for a coon’s age. They are recycled throughout the ages and also updated to fit the times. Maybe it has to do with the first time I saw Adventures in Babysitting with the man with the hook, which is a very famous urban legend.

Some of them are really scary, I remember there would be times when I just had to shut the web page because I was scared. I know that people have written ghost stories about them as a basis. It always ends up being kind of ironic, escaping death only to die a more gruesome death a few moments later. They are things that could possibly happen but no one actually knows for sure. It’s always a friend of a friend that it happened to. I believe they are also a good scare tactic of the unknown.

I remember when I saw the movie Urban Legends, I was dating a guy named Steve, and we went out to eat and then to the movie and drank hot chocolate. I don’t do well with scary things. So, I was freaked out a little. Thankfully Steve was a nice guy that didn’t try and scare me. So, Steve where ever you are Thanks! I am a big baby though and get scared really easily. I didn’t really like the movie too terribly much because it scared me. It was making them real and they were no longer urban legends. I am not sure if I have seen the second one and I am not sure I want to . I haven’t watched the movie pretty much after it came out. No thanks. Nothing scary for me, I get nightmares and I can’t sleep for days. I avoid scary movies at all costs. I am sure you are thinking that movie wasn’t scary but like I said I am a baby.

I do however love to watch the tv show Urban Legends on the Biography Channel. It is on Saturdays at noon and there are 4 episodes that play. I like it because they tell you three stories and you have to decide which is fact and which is just an Urban Legend. I like that they tell some things that really happen. I think that is why I like Snopes because they tell you if it is true, false or unknown. When I watch Urban Legends I find myself thinking, I really hope that is an urban legend, because that is nasty or scary etc. Usually it is but there is always one that is real and really happened. They even go as far as occasionally having the people that it happened to on the show saying my name is such and such and this is true. If it is not true they sometimes explain why it can’t be true.

Do you like urban legends? What are some of your favorites? Do you watch the show on Biography?

Noah the Sports Star?

Noah is at the age where he is starting to be interested in sports and activities. When I ask him what sports he wants to play he responds tennis and soccer. I am not sure why he wants to play tennis. The only person I know who used to play tennis is my sister. I am not convinced he knows really what tennis is. I think tennis is very boring and I am sure he would as well. I see him doing something active like football, soccer or even martial arts training. Noah’s pediatrician has said since he was a little baby that he is built like a linebacker. He has always been solid and bigger than average. I bet he would have fun playing soccer or football. Then you have all the health and exercise benefits that go along with it.

I think that martial arts training would be great to teach discipline and self esteem for kids. I think that it really cool to watch and it makes children feel better about themselves. It is also a great way to keep the kids off the streets. I think if more kids did things like martial arts and sports then there would be less time to cause trouble. You can even buy a martial arts DVD to learn some of the moves at home. Some families don’t have the time or gas to go back and forth to classes. I am not one of those parents that will force their dreams or things on their child. Noah can make the choices of the activities he wants to do. Mama has the final say though of course. I have seen some children that were almost forced to do a sport or activity and they ended up hating what they were pushed to do. I want to make Noah’s childhood as much fun as I can.

What kinds of activities do your children do? I am always interested in what you have to say.

Thar She Blows.....Chunks.......

Everyone has an embarrassing story. Embarrassing things happen to everyone. I thought I would tell you about my most embarrassing story that ever happened to me. In high school, in English class we went on a field trip to see The Miracle Worker. I went to a huge high school so there were a lot of people that went on the field trip with my class. I am pretty sure it was half of the English classes. I was fine when the play started; I am semi claustrophobic when I am around a bunch of people in a small space. Around intermission, I started feeling sick. I thought maybe it was because I was hungry so I bought a drink and a candy bar and ate it while we were waiting for the play to start again. All the sudden my head and stomach really started to hurt. I told my teacher and he told me to go talk to the nurse that came on the field trip with us. They brought a nurse in occasions like this one.

She knew me quite well out of the 4,000 or so students at my high school. I did have a habit of “being sick” during school. I liked school just not the classes. She didn’t believe me; she refused to call my mom. Seriously, if I was going to pretend to be sick I wouldn’t do it on a field trip. After all I was already out of classes for most the day. I kept telling her, I don’t feel good. I am sick. She had me lay down on a bench. I managed to make it through the play without getting sick. We had to ride the bus for 45 minutes to get back to school. As soon as the bus started moving for a while, I started vomiting. I vomited and vomited and then vomited some more all over the bus. I vomited on the nurse and another teacher. I vomited on people’s book bags that were on the ground. The bus stopped at the gas station so I could get a Kiwi Strawberry Snapple to drink to try and settle my stomach. I was also able to clean up a little bit. I am sure the bus garage hated me that day.

When we got back to the school, I went to the nurse and she called my mom. Everyone in my grade knew about the bus disaster by the end of the day. I was so embarrassed. People would ask me about it. I had it come up a couple times even after high school. I think it is funny now. You bet when the nurse saw me in her office and I said I don’t feel good she believed me.

What is your embarrassing story? Please share it with me.

I Feel Great and the Power of Positive Thinking

When I was in high school, my biology class went on a field trip. I am not still 100% sure the point of the field trip even now. I loved my biology teacher Mrs. Newman. She was an awesome teacher and I loved that class. We piled in a school bus and went to an educational building and started the workshop. I am sure you are thinking a biology field trip means looking at lab samples and learning under a microscope. This was not the case. I don’t remember the entire field trip but I do remember building things with gum drops and the speaker.

The speaker was a motivational speaker that taught us one phrase. “I feel great”. Those words mean a lot to me even now. He basically told us no matter how we are feeling when someone asks you are supposed to respond “I feel great.” If you tell others you feel great, it will make others feel good and if you keep telling yourself that you will start to feel great. It is the power of positive thinking. I will admit when I was a sophomore in high school I thought that it was kinda weird.

I mean we even got key chains shaped like a number 1 and that said I feel great as a reminder to feel great. Now being an adult I get it. You are how you feel. Only you can decide who you are and how you feel. If you feel good about yourself you will be more positive but if you are negative you will focus on negativity. It is pretty much common sense that I forget about on occasion. I am really hard on myself a lot of the time. I need to stop and remember I feel great because I am great. I know it is easier said than done but I need to try harder to feel great and through osmosis, others will feel great and I will too.

Do you have any tips or stories about positive thinking?

I'm Getting Contacts!

I have been wearing glasses since I was in 5th grade to see the board. I hated wearing glasses and didn’t wear them for about 5 years when I was in school. When I was an adult I decided it was important that I should wear them. I really had trouble watching TV and reading signs, so it was time I did something. I knew my vision wasn’t perfect. I wear glasses most of the time, I feel like I can’t really see without them. I can see just not far away too well. I recently decided that I want to get contact lenses. I have gorgeous eyes and my glasses hide them. I also think I look kind of weird in glasses. I am really excited about getting contacts although touching my eye is a little nerve racking for me. The eye doctor will make sure I know how to put them in and take them out a couple times before they send me on my way. I know quite a few people that wear contacts and have had them for years. It doesn’t look that hard to do. It might take some practice. Thankfully, I am not squeamish about touching my eye. I am looking forward to not having to wear glasses all the time. I am always afraid something will happen to my glasses. I also have an indentation on the bridge of my nose from them. I hate having the indentation on my nose because it looks weird. I occasionally fall asleep wearing my glasses which results in me laying on them or my glasses poking me. I think contacts would be the best solution.

Do you wear contacts? Do you have an Astigmatism? How long do yours last? I know there are daily ones, weekly ones. Any tips or tricks for me after I get them? I look forward to hearing your thoughts and suggestions!

Here is What Has to Happen

This is part of three of What Happened to Me and Here’s What Happened be sure to catch up if you haven’t already.

So, what am I like now? I am very shy and quiet. I overanalyze EVERYTHING. Just ask Brandy, I drive her crazy I am sure dissecting everything down to the etymology of the word, maybe not that far, but close. I hate being this way. I don’t really smile much. I do when I am with my son, since I am a stay at home mom you would think that would mean always. I want to smile for other reasons though, not just because my son is being goofy or cute. I want to be back to who I was, who I am. I want to really bad.

Now, I have to figure out what I need to do. I need to let go. I am great at forgiving someone but not so great at forgetting and really forgiving myself. I am not sure why that is really. I have always had an excellent memory and I remember almost everything. I guess it goes back to being too hard on myself. I guess. I am way too hard on myself. I don’t know why. I just am. I guess I need to let myself go a little. Let my hair down and quit being a worrywart. I need to loosen up some and understand that it is ok to mess up and not know what is going to happen, or what might happen if this happens that would probably not happen. Worrying is hard work. If I spent less time worrying about silly stuff life would be so much better.

I was thinking while I was checking on my roasted pork I am cooking, that I am scared to post these posts because what if people think I am crazy. What if they don’t like me anymore? I stopped myself and was like who cares. What if…. What if….. Martians floated down in bubbles and stole our grass. I can’t worry about everything. It really is getting hard and taking a toll on my life. I need to leave the worrying to others or just not worry as much as I do. I worry about my friends and family too constantly. I worry about every little thing I can.

I am compulsive worrier. I am worrying about worrying too much right now. I think I am going to try and remove the words what if from my vocabulary and stop thinking about something that may or may not happen and be confident that what happens is what is meant to happen especially about things I have absolutely no control over what so ever.

I also have quite a bit of fear about some silly things. I guess that fear and worry go hand and hand. Fear is the mind killer. I really believe that. Fear can consume you just like worry or rage. I need to not fear. I need to trust in God that everything will be fine and just forget about it. I also need to realize that I can’t fix all the wrongs in this world by myself. I love that quote and I often find myself trying to fix things.

I have recently been reminded in life there are no guarantees. The only guarantee is death, which is the only thing you can count on eventually happening. In relationships I just have to let things happen the way they are supposed to happen and not push people away and not worry. I need to learn to trust, I do trust people but at the same time I don’t trust that what someone is saying is what they really mean and not that they have some ulterior motive. I just realized I am ultimately setting myself up for failure. It has become a routine thing where I almost make it fail. If you think you won’t succeed you won’t. It is all about the mindset you have. I will not expect to fail anymore. I will succeed and if I do fail than well whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Here's What Happened

This is the continued post of What happened to me? If you haven’t check it out.

I guess it all started in high school. There was this guy named Matt. I can still see his face in my mind. Looking back it was like seriously, what was I thinking. Let me tell you about Matt. He was 18 and a bad boy. Of course he was attractive but he was bad guy like he had gotten kicked out of his parents house and was a nomad, his residence was under a bridge. I am not making that up. He was what you would call a hippi. I thought it was cool, but I was only 17 and very naïve and gutsy.

Well we started dated and I found out he was cheating on me. The nerve, the sadness. I was heartbroken. Now I am sure you are thinking that I wouldn’t possibly be broken over a guy from 12 years ago. That is where it all started. I mean I had my share of problems growing up of course, I just think this is where it all went downhill. I was still outgoing and gutsy. Maybe a little too gutsy if you ask me. Then you have my ex-husband which was just a real “gem”. I guess guys are part of my problems with really good reason. If you are told something over and over again you will start to believe it sooner or later. I was verbally and emotionally abused daily by my ex. My miscarriage left me dead inside. Then finding out my ex prayed for it killed me even more.

I have this complex that I call the “jerk” complex, it really doesn’t make real sense but it does to me. It is I guess a safety net. I am really trying to cut the strings of that net. It is silly. If I keep pushing people away of course they are gonna run for the hills. No one wants to be where they are unwanted. I know that all too well. I am getting better, I think. I mean I think I am. I am trying really hard not to push him away. It is weird. Maybe that I has something to do with the “choice” of men I have been attracted to. I find myself being attracted to jerks because they are jerks and if it is a guy who is not a jerk I have to be a jerk to make them a jerk. Yes you read that right. Clear as mud? I know it doesn’t make any sense. I guess it is a way to justify it if a relationship fails. The bottom line is I push people away. I know why I do it but it is personal way too much for my blog. Only a few people know why.

Another thing that broke me was when my grandma had Alzheimer’s Disease. I couldn’t deal with it. My grandma and I were so close and I didn’t really have any experience with it except when they would talk about it on a TV show. I tried to understand and I never really did. I missed my grandma when she was still alive. It was like her soul had gone up to heaven and her shell was still there. It was really hard. She remembered me most of the time but other times she was not my grandma. She was not her lovable self like a complete stranger. I don’t blame her because she had no control over it. It is definitely something that is hard for everyone involved. I never changed how I feel about her and love her with all my heart.

I had many toxic friends as well. I have removed all of them from my life. It is hard to remove toxic things from your life. I don’t know why all the toxic people were drawn to me. I am not toxic and I guess it is because my heart is really big and I forgive easily and love unconditionally. I had friends that would say really mean things to me and talk about me behind my back. One who even wrote a hateful letter to me and had a bunch of other people write mean things about me. What did I do? I forgave her. Even now I wish I wouldn’t of because that caused many more years of hurt and pain to me. She is gone now, which is a great thing.

Toxicity breeds Toxicity and it feeds off of you until you have nothing left, many toxic experiences and friends have broken me. Just like anything that is broken it can be fixed. I want to fix it. I am sick of feeling like this. It really sucks. You would think that all of these things would make me quit feeling, quit being so loving and sweet but they don't. My heart is too big and I just can't quit caring and turn totally bitter. It would be too much for me. I always say I am too sweet for my own good. My big heart is a blessing and a curse.

Stay tuned for part 3.

What Happened to Me?

So, I have been thinking a lot lately about myself now vs. who I was when I was say a teenager. Man I have changed a lot. I mean I am still that really sweet person I have always been with a huge heart but I am in fact different. I am not convinced it really is for the better either. I mean of course I am older and wiser but I have been through a lot of stuff that has in fact changed me. I know that life is constantly changing but seriously I miss the person I used to be. I used to be extremely outgoing. I was gutsy, not sure that is something I would do now, as I am a mom. So there goes my dream of being a hobo. Yes I really wanted to be a hobo when I was young. Hey, they had an awesome life traveling the rails singing songs around a campfire. I would talk to everyone and I wouldn’t care who it was or what they thought. I am in fact the same person that would act like a complete random dork in public. I have this memory of being in Jr high and at the pool with my old childhood best friend talking about our pancreases and telling people they needed to go to charter. Don’t ask long story not even I think I can remember it all.

I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I mean I guess I did maybe a little but not enough to stop me from having the time of my life. I laughed until I cried and cried till I laughed. I remember there would be times that I was really upset and then someone said something and I would start laughing really hard. I was always smiling to the point where I thought my face was going to freeze like that like after Botox. I have and had a huge heart, I must of inherited that from my Grandma Rose, never seen a big heart than hers.

I was carefree and young. I have really changed if you are going to change, I believe in changing for the better or the greater good. I changed for the worst. I was talking to my friend Brandy and I realized one night that I am broken. I realized that from reading a journal I had where people wrote nice things about you and your strengths. I still have it and I was reading all the letter people wrote and I was like woah. I remember being like that. Then I started thinking what happened? Where did I go? They wrote things like you are always smiling and so outgoing and you have such a flair for drama. Oh yes I loved to act. I was never good at it though. I had bad stage fright but I loved to pretend. You will never see my name up there in lights.

Then, something happened. Lots of something I suppose. I broke. There are many reasons why I broke. When did I care if someone liked me? When did I start caring what people think? When did it matter to me? When did I stop smiling all the time? I mean yes I still smile. My son is the best reason to smile but I am not super smile woman anymore. I miss that.

To read more of this post there will be a part 2 posted soon.

If I Could Be Granted One Mom's Wish

If I had a fairy godmother that would grant me a mom’s wish this summer it would be that I wouldn’t have to worry about cleaning my house. I could spend all day outside with my son and maybe even go to the zoo and other kid friendly things with him. We wouldn’t have to worry about if the laundry is done or if I need to do some other kind of cleaning. I am a single mom after all. We could spend so many carefree days playing and creating lasting memories. I would have a janitorial cleaning service come in and scrub the floors, shampoo the carpets, clean the bathrooms, do all my laundry and even do the dishes. If you know me at all you know how much I love to cook but I hate doing the dishes afterward.

I know if I had a fairy godmother there who could grant this wish I would have a lot of stress lifted from my life this summer. Noah is going to be 4 soon and I cherish every moment. I would love to have some more time to laugh and tickle him and to just plain be silly. What would be your mommy wish if you had a fairy godmother?

Mommy Makeover

As part of wanting to make myself over this year, I have thought about what other improvements I could make. I would love to get a breast augmentation. Not really for a size reason but more to lift them up and for a better shape. Before I was a mom I had an appointment with a plastic surgeon to get a consultation. I wouldn’t get one until after I am done having children though. My old best friend had hers done and I guess it is very painful when you are pregnant. I am also not opposed to considering possibly breastfeeding. I haven’t decided yet but I will come to that bridge when I get there. I really think there is a lot of taboo about plastic surgery. I personally think it is up to the person who is getting it done. I do think there is a limit to how much a person should get or you end up like Joan Rivers. I am sorry but she just scares me. So does Barbara Walters, she scares me so much that Dr. Pepper comes out of my nose.

I have also thought about getting something done with my stomach. Since I had a C-section, my tummy looks weird from my scar. I am not talking about the scar it’s self. I think of the scar as a badge of mommy honor but the way my stomach is shaped now is weird. It is hard to explain short of seeing it. I guess it is part of motherhood and as my friend Brandy would say I have a had-a-baby body.

Have you ever thought about getting plastic surgery? If so, what would you get done?

The Ice Cream Man Drives Me Crazy!

I really need to get something off my chest. This is kind of a silly rant but I need to share it. Feel free to poke fun at me for this. It’s Summer and the ice cream man comes to my neighborhood. I would not pay 3 dollars for something I could go to the grocery store and buy a box for a dollar more than it would cost to buy it off the truck. Growing up I used to love the ice cream man and I thought it was really cool and he also sold candy. I have always really liked candy too. So I would get an ice cream treat and a few pieces of taffy or maybe a candy bar. That was undoubtedly 20 years ago or so. I remember when it would cost 50 cents for an ice cream sandwich. Yes, I realize I just sounded like I was 80 years old remembering the good old days. Of course now with “inflation” everything costs a lot more. Makes sense to me. I guess there are people out there that will pay those prices since the ice cream man comes around still. It is just not for me.

That is not what bothers me. What bothers me is our particular ice cream man. His truck plays a song that I can’t identify it is kind of like Pop Goes the Weasel and Turkey in the Straw. I am sure you are thinking OK ten minutes tops a day. Just tune it out. This particular ice cream man drives around and around my neighborhood all day it seems like. We live in the back of the neighborhood so it’s not like I am hearing it on the street behind me. It also likes to park in front of my house! Silly me I know!

Last night I was sitting outside and I hear the ice cream truck this is after dinner. If you are someone who knows me well you know I personally don’t normally eat until around 8 PM. I sit with Noah when he eats and we chat and color and draw and whatever he wants to do I just am not hungry. I occasionally will have a snack while he is eating. I look at my phone to see what time it is. It was 8:40 pm. What on earth is the ice cream man doing driving around my neighborhood at 8:40 pm with the music blaring going around and around? I heard it again a couple more times later. It was thundering and lightening by then. I am not sure a parent would let their children go buy ice cream that late or especially in a nasty storm. I guess in the ice cream man’s defense it doesn’t start to get dark until after 9 pm. Thankfully Noah doesn’t really know about the ice cream man, he just knows it’s a truck that plays music.

Do you purchase items from the ice cream man? If you do what are your favorites? If not do you think it is silly to pay those prices? Let me know your thoughts!

The Importance of Self Defense!

When I was in high school, we had to take a couple weeks of self defense in gym. I remember that a woman from our county’s women’s shelter and rape counseling center came to talk about the dangers we face as women. Since it was high school the gym classes were segregated by gender. I still remember what she said. Now that I am an adult, I am reminded of how important taking self defense classes are. There are a lot of unsavory characters in this world that are looking to prey on women. These days it is dire to be able to defend yourself if you end up in one of those situations. Remember that you don’t have to worry about just strangers, but also people that you know. The most common type of rape is date rape by someone you know.

As someone who was in an abusive marriage, I wish I would have had the skills to defend myself and to walk away. It took me a long time to just leave. I suffered through a lot of emotional, psychological abuse and even some physical when my ex husband was really mad. There were days I feared for my life honestly. Of course he is not in the picture and I am extremely thankful for that. I think that all women should have the tools to protect themselves when they need to. I don’t think protecting yourself has to do with your size if you know what you are doing. Sadly we live in a violent society and we as women need to know that it is not OK to be attacked and how to stop it and prevent it if necessary. I think I will look into some kind of class that will help me protect myself and my child.